Gone
by lindsayandhalstead
Summary: When Erin is abducted all of the sudden, how far will Jay go to save her? Will he cross the line in order to get Erin back safe and sound? Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi guys! I've been working on this little side project for a while, and I can't wait to hear your thoughts!**

 **I'd like to thank justkillingtimewhileiwait for brainstorming this with me and having the most fun while we did it!**

 **Also feedback is appreciated and gets you more chapters faster!**

* * *

It was a day like any day other, except it was the day his life took a turn for the worse.

"Halstead, did Lindsay check in with you?" Jay shook his head immediately, but checked his phone anyway. No texts, no calls. _Weird._ He thought she at least checked in with the boss, if she was planning on being late.

"Weird. She should've been here by now." The gruff words penetrated his mind just a little bit after. Erin really should've been there by now, it was past 9 am, and she never made it a habit of being late. Worried, he glanced at her empty desk. Even when late, Erin usually let somebody know she was going to be late. She never just disappeared like this.

"I'll ask the guys," he murmured, wanting to do something, anything, to take his mind off of all the possible scenarios. His mind never truly recovered from last year, when Erin was kidnapped when going to interview the woman who was first thought to be a victim, but turned out to be a mastermind behind it.

Kevin and Adam both shook their hands, and Al approached him, his hand finding a place on Jay's shoulder. It was meant to reassure, but Jay wasn't sure it worked. The only thing that could reassure him now, was Erin coming to work, flashing him that wonderful smile of hers that made her dimples pop out.

He tried her phone, more than once, but there was no answer. On fourth try, he ended the call in the middle of ringing, throwing the phone on the desk as it if was the culprit of his frustration. But it wasn't, of course not.

Two hours later, they were all anxious. He could see his worry reflected on the face of their sergeant, and it spread over the bullpen like a highly contagious disease. He gulped at the thought of something happening to Erin. It was the one thing he couldn't bear.

Despite the fact that dread started to spread in his bones, he convinced himself that Erin could handle herself. He'd seen her hassle guys twice her size, and she would really have to be taken by surprise for someone to get her.

Sadly, it didn't quite ease his mind as it should have.

* * *

At 11 am they packed up the boxes, and let Major Crimes take over their current case. Voight told Jay to check on Lindsay's (or well their) apartment, while Adam and Kevin went to speak to a tech about pinging her phone.

"She must've left home, because it was locked, and the place looked fine," Jay updated Voight on the phone. Entering their apartment was a cold shower, because he half expected her to be there, maybe in bed, because she had overslept. But the apartment was empty, just as he'd left it this morning.

He left before her, because he wanted to stop at the gym before work. The memory of her looking up at him from bed, offering a sleepy kiss was still fresh in his mind. She had tried to convince him to stay home, said she'd make it worth his while, but he shook his head and laughed it off. She was back asleep by the time he reached the front door.

If he'd only stayed home, made love to his beautiful girlfriend, they would've left for work together, and she would be by his side right now, probably making a stupid joke, or giving him a hard time about driving. If only he wouldn't have gone for the morning run, they would be deep into a case now—a case that didn't involve one of their own's disappearance.

"I talked to Antonio. He hasn't seen or heard from her. She hasn't been by the DA's office, of the Firehouse." They decided to check the places she frequented, before starting to get alarmed. But if there was a time to be alarmed, Jay thought, it was right about now.

"I have some more people to call," Hank continued, his voice so frustrated and creating so much tension you could cut it with a plastic knife. "After that, we start searching."

Jay nodded, forgetting that the inaudible agreement wasn't visible to Voight. He murmured an ok. He had his own calls to make.

* * *

They officially began their investigation at 3pm the same day. Jay couldn't remember ever being this helpless. When Erin was taken earlier that year, he had a clear idea of where she was, and the only thing he had to be afraid of, was not getting there in time.

He did, though. And he shot that son of a bitch without a second's hesitation.

And even then, he felt helpless, punching the dashboard of the car in desperate need to get to her. To have her back. Not knowing where she is, whether she's ok, or hurt, or worse, was the worst damn feeling in the history of feelings.

"I've got a footage from the store across the apartment. I went through it, but all it shows is Erin leaving, and getting into her car. Nothing else," Adam updated the unit. "She looked fine on the footage. Happy even," he silently added. Jay swallowed the tears that were starting to form. She was happy.

"Well, maybe she stopped somewhere on the way to work?" Voight nothing but shouted back. Adam visibly tensed at the rough words, but relaxed a second later, knowing the man was just worried.

"Wednesday. She stopped to get a muffin and coffee," Jay suddenly jumped in. It was their routine. Every Wednesday, they shared a muffin. It didn't matter if they were fighting, or not. If it was raining or not. If they had a case or not.

"It was her turn. Overflow. She would've stopped at Overflow." It was a little out of her way, but it was a place that supported local charities, and Erin had been shopping there ever since Nadia showed her how good their pastries are.

"Let's go."

* * *

"Yeah, I remember her. She comes here every two weeks." Jay knew that. Because every other week it was his turn to get the muffin. "She got a big blueberry one, and two coffees."

"Did you see her leave?"

The barista nodded. "I saw her leave through the door. Can't say what happened after that."

They thanked them for their answers.

"Hey, serge. We found her car," Kevin said, and Jay felt sick. Because if they found her car, that meant something had happened to her. Kevin continued. The bad news wasn't over yet. "Patrolmen searched the surrounding alleys and found her gun. Along with a piece of fabric soaked in what appears to be chloroform."

They got around to processing the car and Jay felt a sharp pain somewhere in his chest when he saw a bag with a muffin, and two coffees on the passenger seat. It took all he had not to crumble right then and there. He felt a soft hand on his arm, and turned around to see Burgess. She didn't say anything, but the silent show of support was enough for his to pull himself together. His partner needed him. He couldn't crumble now.

Neither of them spoke a word on their way back to the precinct, all too consumed with all the horrible scenarios that could've went down. And when it came to Jay, the _what if_ game was the one he could play forever. If it didn't kill him in the process.

* * *

Her head hurt.

That was all she could think about for a few seconds, after trying to blink her eyes open. She was lying on a hard surface, probably the floor, and she could feel something sharp against her leg. Her mouth was dry with thirst, and the temperature of the room was above average, making her hair stick to her face.

"You're not gonna get away with this," she muttered with the last strength she had left. Her throat ached as she spoke. Her head hit the concrete hard, and she winced in pain. The room was dark, so she couldn't tell how long she's been out for. Her guess was at least a couple of hours.

"We will see about that. But even if I get caught, it will be worth it. Watching you die alone will be worth it," he snickered in her direction, kicking her dismissively. That's when she realized where she recognized the voice from. That disgusting slimy voice that she hasn't heard in eight years, when she put this guy away. He got at least 25 years for the murder of that woman. They didn't have enough evidence to charge him with the rest. The guy was careful if anything.

"Or maybe I'll even have some fun with you, before I send you back to hell."

Her stomach turned at the thought. Her mind was still hazy, and the drugs he had given her weren't wearing off. She needed a plan. Soon.

That was the last conscious thought she had, before she drifted back into the darkness.

* * *

"We pulled the footage from all the surrounding buildings of Overflow. We found this. The angle is really bad though, so there isn't much to go from." He turned the computer screen against him, showing him the footage they recovered.

Her car had been found parked right in front of the café. The only reason they didn't find it right away, was because they had entered at a different entrance. The angle of the footage showed Erin coming out of the building with the purchased goods, and carefully placing them on the passenger seat. She was about to enter the driver's door, then her head snapped towards something they couldn't see. She closed the door of the car, and rushed to an alley.

"After that she doesn't come back to the car, so there must've been something going on in the alley."

"Can we pull the footage from the surrounding streets to see if we can get an angle on the other end of that alley?" They had of course searched all the surrounding streets and alley for anything, but patrol came up empty. Jay felt like he was grasping at straws, but he would try anything−everything to get a lead.

"Kevin is picking it up, but the guy in the tech is bitching, so it might take a while."

"I'll go. I'll give him something to bitch about," Jay muttered loud enough for everyone to stare at him. "What? Erin is missing! Who knows what happened to her, and the tech guy is bitching? This isn't some murder investigation, we're racing against the clock!"

"Halstead!" Jay winced at Voight's warning tone, and nodded. Ruzek placed a reassuring hand on his back, knowing how his friend must feel.

"We'll find her, man." At least that's what they all hoped for.

* * *

"Serge, I think I might have something. While Kevin is trying to get that footage, I've been going through a list of people who could possibly want to hurt Lindsay. There is a case that popped out. Lindsay worked it eight years ago. She and her partner, Jamie, put away this guy." He put the photo on the board. "Trent McKinley. Serial killer. He was released on a technicality last month. They could only get him on one case, and apparently, some evidence was mislabeled and they had to release him."

"What makes you think it's related?" Jay asked, before anyone else could.

"Well, his MO for one. He lures his victims into dark alleys by playing recordings of crying children, preying on the empathy of young women."

 _There is such a thing as having too much empathy._

"And then kidnaps them by drugging them. He tortures them, and rapes them, and finally… kills them." There was a dead silence in the bullpen, and Kevin looked horrified that those words had to come out of his mouth.

Jay was pretty sure that if he had anything to eat that day, the contents would've ended up in the waste bin right then and there, but luckily, he didn't have time to eat. Because Erin was out there, and she needed him. And in that moment, he was glad that his stomach was empty.

"Alright, it's a good lead. Olinsky, Ruzek, see if you guys can find this guy. Halstead, you and I are gonna go talk to the lead detective on this case to see if he can give us any insight."

Jay nodded almost mechanically, and headed towards Voight's car. It was clear that the sergeant hadn't resented him his outburst from earlier. He didn't seem mad, just worried. And when Voight was worried, that's when Jay knew things were not bad.

They were worse.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews! I'm so glad you guys are enjoying this. Keep them coming and I'll keep the chapters coming!  
**

 **This guest stars one of my fave cops from a non-CPD show, anyone who watches it will definitely recognize him ;)**

* * *

Voight didn't say much the entire ride. Jay had questions. Like who this partner they were going to see was, and how he could possibly help them. But he remained quiet, letting the sergeant take the wheel while he stared through the window, getting distracted by the cars passing them by.

He could feel himself going numb, pushing the mess of emotions to the back of his head, trying to focus on the task at hand. Trying to silence the giant clock inside his head—the one reminding him how the odds of finding her dropped with every minute she was missing. He hated knowing these things. He imagined it would be easier if he didn't have to read all those statistics for the Academy. If he didn't know how bad things were looking by now, when they had

"I know how you feel." And Jay knew that if anyone knew how he felt right now, it was Hank Voight. The only man who loved Erin as much as he did. "You can't fall apart. You have to keep it together. For her."

"You think I don't know that?" The words came out harsher than he intended, but Voight didn't even flinch at his tone.

"We work the case, Halstead. Step by step until we find her." Jay nodded, but saying it was one thing. Doing it was another. Yet still, when he climbed out of the car at their destination, his hands were shaking slightly less and he was just a tiny bit calmer.

He just hoped it wasn't the calm before the storm.

* * *

"Detective Reagan," Voight greeted the younger man about Jay's age. It seemed he knew him, which would make sense, Jay thought, if Reagan was Erin's former partner, they probably would have met in the past. In another world, Jay would have felt a ping of resentment for how good-looking or successful her ex-partner was, but now the only thing he resented the man was having the knowledge to find Erin. Something he didn't have.

"Jamie. So it's true then?" Jay and Hank nodded at the same time, filling him in on the details. "I remember this guy," he continued. "He was one of those cases that just stay with you for months after. He was a primary suspect in the series of homicides a decade ago, but then he went under for two or three years when he almost got caught. Then resurfaced, and killed 23 more women before we got him."

"Do you think it's him?"

"From what you've told me, his MO fits to the dot. Look, I can arrange for all the files we have to be sent to your precinct. And if you have any questions, I'll be more than happy to help. Other than Lindsay, I'm the one who knows this case the best. We spent eight months chasing this bastard, and then some rookie mishandled the evidence…" He let out a grunt of frustration, and Jay could easily identify with it.

"Thanks, we appreciate it. At least we know what we're dealing with."

Jay agreed. Knowing who they were dealing with helped tremendously. He allowed himself a flicker of hope, hoping it wouldn't get crushed.

"Alright, I want everything there is to know about this guy. Who he hung out with in prison, where he's been for the past month, what he's been up to. I want to know the colour of his underwear! You got me?" Voight started barking out orders the second they returned to the precinct.

"Copy, boss." They guys got to work, and the bullpen was soon filled with telephone calls, and sounds of actively used keyboards. Neither of them even thought of going home that night—all of them so hopeful after having a lead.

At some point, they ordered food, even though Jay thought it was a waste of precious time. But he did have to admit he felt less dizzy after two slices of pizza Voight forced him to eat, reminding him that he won't be much help if he collapsed from not eating. Reluctant, Jay had to admit his boss was right, and even though his stomach still didn't feel right, he made himself eat some.

He dived in head first into work, checking lead after lead methodically. Hours later, when nothing turned up, he felt the seeping desperation creep into his bones. The thought that he hadn't allowed to have until then became very clearly present now—that there was a possibility that they wouldn't find her. Or at least not in time. And Jay just knew he wouldn't be able to live on if that happened.

* * *

When she next came to, Erin was alone. She managed enough strength to prop herself up on the elbows, wincing from the excruciating pain that shot through her head. But despite the pain, her head felt a bit clearer now.

A fresh vision of Jay flashed in her mind. He must be so worried, she thought. Going out of his mind, trying to find her. And if anyone could, it was her trusty partner. But the fact it took Jamie and her eight whole months to find him, made her aware of one very painful truth. That maybe he won't find her in time.

She dragged her body to the wall, leaning against it, so her head could rest on the cold surface. Despite the freezing temperature of the room, she was drenched in sweat, which meant whatever drugs he gave her were starting to leave her body. The growling in her stomach reminded her of one thing. She was also starving.

Would they have found her car by now? And her gun? Did they know who they were searching for yet? Erin had full faith in her unit, but they were just people.

"Ah, you're awake. Good, it's time for lunch. Or is it dinner?" Erin knew that messing with the heads of his victims was his specialty, and she'd be damned if she was going to let that happen. He set a plate in front of her in an oddly calm manner. Her eyes instead flickered to the door he came in to. It was big and heavy and there was no way she could've taken it down, not even at her full strength, and much less drugged and beaten. She did notice that he never locked the door behind him when he came in, and stored that information for future reference.

"Don't worry, it's not poisoned. When I kill you, you'll know it," he said, probably reading the untrusting look in her eyes. So she ate, hating herself for every single bite, but if she was going to get out of here, she would need all the strength she could get. And starving to death was not how Erin Lindsay would go.

It was fighting till the very end.

* * *

Jay desperately needed some air, so he walked out of the bullpen, his desk filled with hundreds of empty leads. The night air hit his face, but still all he could see was her face.

He felt hot tears gather in his eyes, and he didn't bother holding them back anymore. Here, far from the prying eyes of the rest of the unit, he let himself feel every ounce of desperation. Kicking the wall, he let out a frustrated shout.

"Halstead?" It was too late, and he couldn't contain the sobs, even for the sake of Antonio, who eyed him with worry. His hand landed on his shoulder, steadying his shaking body.

"I just—I—I can't—"

"I know."

"She's out there—I can't—" He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. All he could hear was his heart, pounding in his head. It felt like dying.

"Listen, man. Breathe. You're having a panic attack." Jay knew that. He used to have one or two every day when he came back from overseas, but when they stopped, they stopped and he hasn't had one in years. Not that he could ever forget how they felt like.

They stood there, Antonio's hand on Jay's back, until his breathing normalized and he was no longer hyperventilating. Jay couldn't even look at him, embarrassed of the breakdown his friend just witnessed, but he convinced himself that this was Antonio. He was family.

And family didn't care how you fell apart. Family only cared about how to pick you back up.

* * *

"Halstead, go home, get some rest. You're no good to anyone like this." It's been two days and a half since Lindsay had gone missing. That was not what Jay expected to hear, when the sergeant called him into his office. He shook his head defiantly.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Don't make me kick you out." The tone in his voice let no room for interpretation. He was serious about this, and Jay felt he didn't have the energy to fight him on it, so he told him the truth.

"I can't—I can't go back to—to the apartment." She'd be in every single room, in every single thing. There was no way he could sleep there, in a bed that still smelled of her. Not when he could still see her so clearly.

Voight looked surprised, like he hadn't thought about it. Like he just realized that he too, would soon have to go back to the house where he watched Erin grow up in.

"There is a couch in the break room. Use that, at least," he suggested an alternative. He knew it wouldn't be a full replacement for a bed and a shower, but Jay looked like he was going to collapse any minute now, and that was the last thing he needed.

Jay nodded with a grateful look. He knew Voight didn't like them sleeping here, even though they'd occasionally nap on that couch. He also knew he'd have to go back at some point, but he just wasn't ready to deal with how empty the apartment would be without her. He'd taken a half hour nap in the car the day before, but he knew it was not enough. He already felt on edge.

The door to Voight's office creaked open after a knock and Burgess popped her head in. "Serge, we found something."

They both headed back to the bullpen. "Okay so first, I checked the security footage around here, and there is a car that happens to be in some of the shots, always following Lindsay. The car is registered to McKinley, so there is no doubt anymore that he has her."

Voight nodded. "Got anything else?"

"There is a guy who McKinley supposedly trained to be his right hand. James Masters. Apparently, they did time together, and Masters got paroled last week."

"You got an address?"

Kim nodded. "I've already texted it to you. Should we gear up?"

Voight shook his head. "Negative. Halstead and I will check it out."

Jay's head snapped up. Apparently, the sergeant realized keeping him off this case would be next to impossible, so instead, he decided to keep him close where he can keep his eyes on him. Because Voight knew better than anyone that when they found Erin, and she realized he let Jay get himself killed, that would not fly well with her. And he'd be the one the blame would fall on.

* * *

Erin refused to fall asleep. She didn't know how much time she had left, and she desperately needed a plan, but she just didn't see any way out of there. There were no windows, just one very massive door. She had tried to open them to no avail, and he enjoyed her efforts, so she gave up.

"You're tougher than the rest," he taunted her. "They all cry. Eventually, you will too."

She would never give him that satisfaction, even though she was ready to let the tears fall by now, she held them back by the power of sheer stubbornness. And she could be extremely stubborn. She smiled at him instead.

"That's not gonna happen. You can break me into pieces, but you won't see me cry," she promised.

She wouldn't cry, she told herself over and over again, when his feet connected with her stomach, or when his hand pulled her hair back so hard she was surprised it didn't fall out, or when her head connected to the wall with so much force she was surprised it didn't split in half. As she drifted again she dreamt of the one thing that could give her hope.

 _Jay._

* * *

They found Masters right away. The house he lived in stood in the middle of nothing, and there were no lights on. They knocked, and he opened, but refused to let them in without a warrant. There was a look of sheer disbelief on Voight's face.

"We don't need a warrant when you're on parole," he explained, pushing past him. They searched the place top to bottom, even though they didn't really expect her to be there. McKinley was smarter than that.

Jay felt sick when he saw the expression of Masters' face. A creepy smile that appeared when he told them that he doesn't know anything about McKinley. Being a detective meant you got pretty good at spotting the lies, and what Jay saw was a guy lying his ass off, and being cocky about it.

"Why don't you wait in the car?" Voight asked, and Jay shook his head.

"Give me five minutes with him," he said with so much cold in his voice it surprised even Voight. He had started telling him that he doesn't have to do this, but the younger detective already pushed his gun into his hands. "Five minutes."

 **To Be Continued...**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks to each and every person who took time and left me a nice review on the last chapter! I'm so glad you're liking it.**

 **I'm trying to update as soon as I can, and big change is coming in the next chapter, so be ready.**

 **Also, mild mentions of violence and possible sexual abuse in this chapter, so proceed with caution!**

* * *

Voight wanted to spare Halstead that moment. The moment where he lost a part of himself he would never get back. He never forgot when it happened for him, and he wanted to stop him for his sake. And at the end of the day, for Erin, because if she ever found out he lost it for her, she would never stop blaming herself.

"You don't have to do this," he offered, and they both knew what he was saying. _Let me do this. I've already crossed that line. You haven't._ But what he saw in Jay's eyes left no room for argument. No room for doubts.

"It should be me," Jay said calmly. The truth was, he didn't care what he had to do to get Erin back. If somebody told him to kill someone to get to her, he would do it without a seconds hesitation. It scared him a little. But he wasn't going to back down, not until Erin was safe in his arms. She was his partner. She was so much more than that.

For Hank, it brought back a memory of Erin, standing up to him, fierce and unstoppable, that day in the bullpen, when she walked up to him and said the exact same thing to him when Halstead was taken. She had a look in her eyes that told him she wasn't going to take no for an answer. The same look Jay had in his eyes now.

 _You and I both know, it should be me._

Reluctantly, Voight stepped out of the room on the porch, ignoring the screams that came soon after. For the first time, he realized just how much Jay loved Erin, and what he was willing to do for her.

"I've got a name. Jodie Kavanaugh. Masters says McKinley couldn't stop talking about her in prison. He's been here two days ago, and Masters hasn't seen him since. Apparently, he didn't tell him where he was going, but he did talk about some revenge plan. He also doesn't know where Jodie lives." Jay wasted no time to fill him in, while he wiped his hand against his jeans, leaving behind stains of what was obviously blood.

"Does he need an ambo?"

"He can live without a finger or two."

He raised his eyebrows, wondering if Halstead was merely joking or actually telling the truth, but hell, he'd done a lot worse. And he would do a whole lot more than that if they didn't find her soon. "Alright, let's go find Jodie and ask her if she knows anything."

But it turned out Jodie wasn't so easy to find. She wasn't at her address, failed to show up for work, and since that was the only lead they had for now, Jay was quickly running out of patience. Snapping at everyone, he was a ticking bomb to go off. There were no sightings, no residual DNA, no online or phone activity. It was driving him crazy.

"Man, we're trying. We all are."

"It's been a week and a half! We should be doing more!" Lately, he felt like there weren't enough hours in a day for him to check all the leads (or the lack of them). They ran with every lead they could find, knowing they were grasping at straws, but it was their girl out there.

Adam sighed in defeat. He knew there was no getting through to Jay, especially not concerning Erin. And in truth, he didn't mind. If his friend felt a bit better after yelling at him, then by all means, he could do it all day long. They all felt pretty helpless, because next to knowing that Erin is out there alone, in pain, they had to watch their other co-worker (and a friend) spiral down more with every day she was missing.

They all pretended not to notice the lips he's chewed raw, or the bitten-to-skin nails on his fingers, or the empty look in his eyes.

"Halstead, go home. That's an order. I don't want to see you here for the next 6-8 hours, and when you get in you better have showered. You've been wearing these clothes for three days straight," the sergeant barked his order.

"But—" Jay started to protest, but Voight simply raised his hand, silencing him.

"But nothing. I'll see you when you get some rest. And some food. If anything changes here, I promise to call."

Jay sighed with defeat and nodded. He couldn't argue with that, so he headed back to the apartment. He hasn't been there yet, crashing with Ruzek the last few nights (and he didn't even sleep).

The place was empty and brutally quiet. He kept expecting her to come from the bathroom and wrap her arms around him like she usually did. He took a shower, and a got a fresh change of clothes, before heading to the couch. He couldn't bear sleeping in their bed, without her warm body to curl up against him.

He expected to watch documentaries, get some rest for his body, but minutes later he was sound asleep, which showed just how sleep deprived he was. He didn't know how much time went by, but hours later, his phone rang and a number of an old CI flashed across his cell.

"Halstead."

"Hey, my man. Listen, word is you're looking for Trent McKinley."

Jay's heart nearly stopped at the mention of that name. "Yeah."

"I got something for you. Meet me?"

"I'm on my way."

* * *

When Erin woke up, she felt different. She suspected he had put drugs in the food, because she must've slept for hours. It was an enchanted circle. If she wanted to survive, she had to eat, and if she ate, she exposed herself to the possibility of being drugged.

A wave of nausea washed through her as she realized most of her clothes were gone, and even though there was a blanket to shield her from the chill, it terrified her to know he could remove her clothes without her waking up. Even more terrifying was the thought of what else he might have done.

She sat up, immediately sorry, because of the dizziness in her head. She placed her hand on the floor, feeling something sticky, and it took her a couple of seconds to realize what it was. And when she did, she barely made it to the corner of the room, before dumping the contents of her stomach on the floor.

That sick perverted bastard.

After she was done throwing up, she pulled herself together. She wiped herself off with a blanket, managing not to throw up again, thinking about what might have happened while she was out. She recognized his pattern, and she knew she had to get out of there now. She didn't have much time left, before she ended up just another one of his victims.

She didn't have anything, any weapons. Just herself, and her battered, tired body full of bruises. Knowing that, she sat down and waited.

When he came in, he didn't expect her to be awake, she could tell. So the idea of pretending to be asleep worked perfectly in her favour. Throwing up must've ejected some of the drugs, because she felt her mind clearer than for the past couple of days.

Without a second to spare, she lunged herself at him, kicking, scratching, screaming and hitting with all the strength she had. She used everything she had, including her fists, teeth, nails. She didn't mind the pain, or the blood, if it meant getting her out of there. The element of surprise gave her the head start she needed, as she pushed the door open and threw herself out.

It took her a couple of seconds to adjust to the daylight after days in the dark, and she navigated through what looked like an abandoned warehouse, desperately trying to find a way out, or at least a weapon to use.

Erin could hear him after her. She could feel her body giving up on her, failing her in the most important moment, and she pushed even more. She screamed when his hand made contact with her, and tore herself away but to no avail.

And then a piercing pain filled her whole body, and after that she couldn't feel anything for a second, until she saw the red stream of life leaving her body where the knife had made entry, and then everything went black, and for a second, she almost wished this was it. No more pain. No more torture.

Just no more anything.

* * *

"Word is, McKinley's got a sister, and if anyone knows where he might be. It's her," he started, when he walked into the bullpen.

"Sister, yeah it was in his file. He doesn't have a blood sister, but he shared a foster family with Pamela Gish. She was the only person who visited him in prison."

"Why haven't we talked to her?" Jay snapped. "She should've been first one on the list.

"We tried locating her, but she vanished," Burgess explained apologetically. "We've got someone sitting on her house 24/7, but so far, she hasn't shown up."

"Sorry," he murmurs. "It's just been more than a week now. Going on two."

"I get it. I can't even imagine."

"They make you memorize all those statistics. I wish they didn't. I wish I didn't know how much the odds of finding her drop every single day. I wish I could stop thinking about it."

He knew everyone was walking on eggshells when it came to him lately, afraid that even the smallest word or gesture would make him spit fire. He felt horrible for making his friends feel that way, but the whole new level of desperate made him quickly forget that.

The worst of all was, even Voight was desperate by now. Especially because the people from above him were pressuring the unit to close the case or move on, and they were not ready to give up yet. At least Jay wasn't. The case was going colder by the minute, and with no solid leads, this man had vanished into thin air, taking their favourite detective with him.

And because Voight and Jay were both on edge, it was only a matter of time before things exploded. It was like a ticking bomb that suddenly decided to go off.

"Stop sending me home. I don't need to be home. I don't need to rest! What I need is to find Erin! I thought you wanted the same!"

"Halstead, you think you're the only one who wants to find her? Look around you. Look at this unit. It's coming apart before your eyes, and you don't even realize it!" Voight's voice echoed around the bullpen, making the rest of the unit sink lower into their seats. "You're not the only one in pain!" Voight spit out, before heading back to his office, slamming the door behind him.

Jay looked at them, and saw the tired faces, and the desperate expressions. They all wanted to help, he knew. They all wanted to find her. But he just didn't feel anything they did was good enough. He didn't feel anything _he_ did was good enough.

"I just—I'm sorry."

He barely managed to leave the bullpen, reaching the basement, where so many perps have sat in the cage and mocked him, before he broke down. He heard footsteps behind him, and didn't know who they belonged to, but what he did know was that holding this back was no longer an option.

The sobs came out of him in a violent storm of emotions, and he felt the walls closing in around him. This wasn't just a panic attack. This was closer to a breakdown.

The cries came between the shaky breaths he managed to take, and he realized, with surprise, that the person that followed him down here was no other than Al, whose arms came to support his weight now, so he didn't crumble on the ground like a badly built house of cards.

Neither of them said anything, and Jay felt like hours went by before he could finally breathe again, but the older man never let go.

"What if—what if —" The reality of the words was too terrifying to say it out loud.

"Not the time for what-ifs, Jay. We'll find Erin. Just like we found you."

He knew words were meant to reassure him, but he felt that even the hope he harboured until then left him in that second.

* * *

It was week three.

Jay took a short nap in the break room, and when he woke up, he found Burgess propped on the table, also sleeping. The bullpen was dark and deserted, and Jay knew that people needed to sleep, but he also felt like he just lost precious hours of time he could've spent finding new leads.

"Halstead, you good?" Voight popped his head into the break room to see if Jay was awake.

"Yes, serge."

"We just got a possible location on Pamela Gish."

"Let's go," Jay said, already heading towards boss's car. The ride was silent, and Jay was glad that Voight never brought up his attitude in the bullpen. Maybe when this was all over, he wouldn't have a job to go back to, but Jay honestly could not care less.

Together, they made their way to the house, pushing past the woman who opened the door, and lost no time with asking questions.

"I already told you, I don't know where he is."

"Then why were you hiding here?" He shouted. "Why were you holed up in this place? Instead of your apartment?"

"This is police brutality," she complained with a wacky accent. Her blonde hair was bleached, and her face ruined from years of alcohol abuse. Jay felt nothing but disgust looking at her.

"I'll give you police brutality." His gun no longer holstered but aimed at her head, he asked again. "Where is Trent?" He knew he was breaking every protocol in the book, but if it meant finding Erin, he would deal with anything.

"I don't know," she whispered, starting to get scared. And Voight knew she had something to be scared off, when he saw the expression in Jay's eyes.

"He has got my only reason to live, and if you don't tell me where he's keeping her, I have nothing left to lose." He felt Voight shift in the distance, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything but getting to Erin.

"I swear to God, I will shoot you if you don't tell me where he is." His gun made contact with her head to emphasize his point.

She turned to Voight for help, but he shrugged. "I'm on his side here. I'll help him get rid of the body."

"This is the last time I'm going to ask. Where is he? Where is he keeping her?"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hi guys! I love the feedback I'm getting for this fic so much. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time! I read all the reviews, and they make me write so much faster.**

 **I know you guys are worried about Erin, but I think you're going to enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

The first thought that popped into her head was that she was alive. In a lot of pain, but breathing. Despite her desperation, and wanting this to end, she felt relief. Because her story wasn't over. She got one more chance to get out of here, to let the guys sweep in and rescue her—her guy really. Her faith in Jay never wavered, and she knew he was out there right now, searching for her.

But she felt weak, disarmed. Hope was about the only weapon she had, and she wasn't going to give that up. So, with a picture of Jay's smile in her mind, she allowed herself to slip into darkness once more.

* * *

"Serge. We think we've got something," Burgess' voice came in through the radio. "We never found Jodie Kavanaugh, so we were going through her contacts, and she's got a brother. He owns an abandoned warehouse here in Chicago, we think that might be where he's hiding. I'm sending you the address now."

"Copy. We'll check it out." Jay was already holstering his gun, the woman he was just threatening to kill forgotten. He could see it in her eyes anyway, she didn't know a thing. He turned to Voight for instructions.

"She might warn him," he told Voight and he nodded knowingly.

"Go wait in the car. I'll be right there."

Jay nodded, and didn't even flinch when he heard the undeniable sound of tearing duct tape behind him.

While they were driving, Voight called in the precinct for backup, but they both knew it wouldn't get there in time, and because this was Erin, and because she was their world, they wouldn't wait.

Jay thought that no ride ever before lasted as long as this one. It dragged on, street after street, even though Voight drove like crazy. For the first time since the horrible day when Erin went missing, Jay felt just how much the sergeant was affected by her abduction. There were times when he had to use his whole body to stop himself from slamming into the dashboard, but he mentally urged him to go faster.

"Do you think–?"

"Yes."

Jay didn't want his expectations to go up. He didn't want to end up too disappointed—too broken—if she wasn't there. But he wasn't the only one putting all he had on this lead.

"We split up," Voight said. "We'll find her faster. If intell is correct, McKinley is alone in there with her. He never worked with anyone. It's not his MO."

Jay nodded. "If we find him–"

"I don't care what you do with him, as long as we find Erin."

The smell that invaded his nostrils was that of dust and something else. There were fresh footprints on the dusty floor, but it could as well be a result of some teenagers sneaking in, judging from the abundance of graffiti on the empty walls. Jay took a few steps in before he recognized the metal smell of blood, and he quickly took a few more.

Voight signaled him to go to the right, while he went to the left side, getting lost between the doors and pillars. Jay continued his way in, carefully testing every step so the old ratty floors wouldn't give in under him. This building was a collapse risk, he thought.

There was a movement on his left, but the flicker of the flashlight revealed nothing but a few rats. Then, a sound of human presence. He knew it couldn't be Voight, because he was on the other side.

He proceeded with caution, in case he had a gun, but when he saw a man standing up, he set things in motion.

"Freeze! Chicago PD! Don't move!" He couldn't see his face in the dark, but the man was clearly running away, and Jay wasted no time in following him. He shot at him, but he was still out of range, so he ran faster. He gained enough speed, and was chasing his tail, and then he stopped his pursuit.

Because that was when he saw _her_.

Her body lay unmoving on the ground, but Jay knew it was Erin. He would recognize Erin anywhere. In a split second his heart and mind went to war, because he wanted to tear himself in two, so one part could pursue her captor and the other could stay with her. Jay had no shame admitting that his heart won. He left the bastard go and knelt next to her still body. Dread washed over him, because he didn't know if she was alive, or if his worst nightmare had just come true, and they were too late.

It took a second, because her breathing was so shallow; her pulse so weak. But it was there. And a moment later, he realized, that though slowly, her chest was still falling and rising. Suddenly, his world made sense again.

"50-21 George, offender fled on foot. We found our victim. Roll an ambulance to our location ASAP." He said the last part with clenched teeth, raging at himself that he let him get away.

"Copy that, 50-21 George. Ambulance is on the way."

He didn't know how he was able to communicate anything to anyone. After calling for an ambo, he updated Voight and let him know his location. It was like going through the motions. Like he was on autopilot and just did what he was trained to do, all while clutching her body carefully against, his, checking her for injuries.

There was a giant gash in her side that made his breath catch in his throat for a second. It looked like it was a stab wound, and it explained the ash-grey skin, and the thin layer of cold sweat covering her body. Her body was otherwise brutalized, it seemed, with cuts and bruises. It filled him with so much anger, he had to stop himself from slamming his fist into the floor.

The bleeding seemed to have stopped, but she looked like she suffered a major blood loss, and the fact that the only thing she had on was a thin shirt, had him tugging off his jacket, slipping it around her shivering form. There was a brief second, where her eyes opened and found his, and all his rage was gone in a second, like she neutralized him completely, and then his heart broke into a million pieces when she murmured something about being dead, and then slipped back into unconsciousness.

"It's okay, babe. I've got you. You're safe," he murmured softly. The grief that filled his heart at that was so heavy, he was surprised he was able to scoop her into his arms in the gentlest way possible, and carry her out of that place. He kept telling her she's safe, because he thought that maybe in some far away corner of her mind she could hear him and he wanted her to know it.

He couldn't even see the real extent of her injuries in the dark building. He knew it was bad, but she was alive. Alive and safe in his arms, because he would never ever let anything happen to her again. Not if he could help it.

The sergeant joined him on the floor, assessing her injuries like Jay had done a few seconds back. In the similar need to feel her alive, he reached out for her pulse, and let out a sigh of relief when he felt it. Barely present, but there.

"We're here." It was Dawson, and Jay knew there was no one's hands he'd rather put Erin's life in.

"I think she's been stabbed. Her breathing is really shallow, and it looks like she's lost a lot of blood. She came to, for like a second, but I think she thought she was dreaming, and then she passed out again."

She nodded, working with Brett. Because there was nothing to do here, they loaded her into an ambulance, starting a line to get some fluids in her. It was a little hard to do, since Jay wouldn't let go of her hand, not even for a second, and if he did, he found a way to grab onto some other part of her, as if he was trying to keep her tethered to him. To this world. Keep her alive.

His heart broke, when he saw her bruises, and wounds, and her overall condition. He knew she must've gone through hell, and he felt sick that he wasn't able to find her before. Felt sick that now that he had her, that sick bastard was somewhere out there and not in a grave where he belonged.

Hank watched him, and her, with mixed feelings of relief and sadness, because at some point he stopped being the guy who gets to ride with her at the back of the ambulance and hold her hand. She wasn't a little girl when he met her, but she was still his girl.

And now, she was Jay's girl.

"I'll be right behind you."

Jay looked surprised, but nodded, the knot in his throat not completely gone, even though Gabby kept telling him that she was probably going to be fine the entire ride to Med. He felt like he was living in slow motion all of the sudden, everything just sort of catching up to him.

They wheeled her in on a gurney, and that's when Jay had to let go. He felt doctors around her, and watched her silhouette on the white sheet being taken away, so that they could make her all better.

He felt like the next outtake of breath was all he had left, and he suddenly felt the surface underneath him give in, and he heard his brother call out his name, and his head hit the floor and then there was nothing.

* * *

The whole unit was crammed into the small waiting room at the hospital. The nurses knew the PD, and didn't even try to send them home, knowing nobody would move if they did. They had not one, but two members of the unit currently admitted to the hospital, even though Will told them Jay just had a case of mild dehydration and sleep deprivation.

His body had basically been going on pure adrenaline, and when he found Erin, his body suddenly had enough. Will prescribed fluids, food and some rest, but Jay wouldn't budge. He wasn't going home until he had a certain brunette by his side.

He was currently nagging at nurses to let him go, with promises he'll keep his line in and get something to eat. Will shook his head at him, but allowed him to get up, so he could take the few steps to Erin's room.

"Sergeant," Will greeted, while Jay just nodded at him. He stood up from the hospital chair and came outside to talk. "How is she?" Will let out a sigh. He knew this question was coming, and was surprised that Jay didn't tackle him with it upon waking up.

"Severe dehydration. Multiple bone fractures, a lot of bruising. The worst though, was the blood loss from the stab wound. The knife missed all vital organs, but since the wound was a couple of days old, she did lose a lot of blood. I'd say she was lucky you found her when you did.

Due to the circumstances, we also did a rape kit, still waiting for the results. And she did have an interesting cocktail of drugs in her system, which is probably why she couldn't fight back."

Jay nodded, and Will continued. "Hey, look, she's gonna be okay. We're treating her injuries, but it's entirely possible that the mental consequences will be more severe than the physical aspect of it."

They all knew that. They have all worked with abduction victims before. Torture victims. Rape victims. "Let me know when the kit results come back," he asked, and Will nodded. "Has she woken up yet?"

"No, not that I've seen."

Will left the two of them alone, standing awkwardly next to each other.

"You alright? Gave us quite a scare."

"I'm good, thanks. Listen, I'm sorry I didn't get him. It was either going after him or staying with her—."

"You don't have to explain. You did what you had to do. We got her back. There is still time to catch that son of a bitch. And we will. But not we just have to be there for Erin." Jay was pretty sure that was the most he heard him talk in days.

"I'm gonna get some food, and update the unit. Why don't you stay here with her?" Voight didn't really need food, and he could ask somebody else to update the unit, but somehow, he knew Erin would want to see Jay next to her when she woke up.

* * *

She didn't know where she was. At first, she thought it was some sort of trick, to make her think she had been saved, but then her captor would come and mock her endlessly, letting her know she would never get out of there.

She blinked a few times, until the world came to vision, and she realized she was lying in a hospital bed. Still refusing to hope, she looked cautiously around her, and saw Hank propped on the chair next to her bed.

Hallucination, she decided, and hopelessly slipped back into the comforting darkness.

The next time she woke up, she was still in the hospital bed. Hank was no longer there. It was weird, she thought. She blinked again, regretting the slight movement because of the headache that woke up with it. Realizing her hand felt heavy, she turned her head to the other side of the bed, and a familiar figure came into view.

"Jay." Her throat was sore and dry, but his name on her lips felt like the only type of prayer she ever wanted to say.

He was fast asleep, and she squeezed his hand to make sure he was real.

"Er? You're awake!"

"You found me," she whispered. Just like she knew he would. "I knew you were coming for me."

"Of course." He didn't know what so say, so he pressed a gentle kiss against her forehead, but she pulled him harder against her, ignoring the pain. She needed to feel him close. And no matter how close she pulled him, it wasn't enough. "You're safe now."

It was the same words she kept hearing somewhere in the back of her mind. And it wasn't even the words, it was him. Everything about him, his protective stance, worried eyes, and a relieved smile made her feel like she truly was safe for the first time in days.

"What happened?" She asked later, pointing to his banana bag. They didn't talk much, mostly because Erin was still slipping in and out of consciousness, but Jay seemed so happy that she was awake, and having him near was like a mute button for everything that happened. She could just get lost in his eyes, and didn't have to think about it.

"Nothing you should worry about," he said, and rolled his eyes when she kept looking at him, squinting her eyes for good measure. She was barely back and went through a horrible thing, but she still knew how to get stuff out of him. "I forgot to eat, so my blood sugar got too low and I passed out. No big deal."

She had never seen Jay pass out before, so it was a big deal. Only then, did she take a good look at him. He worked himself ragged, she noticed. The worrying has left a toll on him as well, and his normally pale skin was even paler. He looked tired, raw, and almost broken to a point. Erin felt that familiar sharp ping in her heart.

"You made yourself sick," she murmured gently, reaching her arm out to touch him. "Were you the one that found me?"

Jay nodded. "Do you remember anything?"

"I thought I was dreaming. Or dead. But I remember you kept telling me I'm safe."

"You are," he promised, even though the fact that Trent McKinley was still out there made his hands tighten his grip, and his teeth clench together in anger. They set up a patrol in front of the door, but someone was with her at all times. Either Voight of him.

The moment was interrupted by Voight's arrival, and she smiled at him warmly. Jay let them have a second, but he didn't leave the room, just stood in the background.

Ethan came in to check on Erin, and was seemingly happy with her progress. "I also got some news. Maybe we should talk in private?"

Jay and Voight nodded. Hank kissed her forehead exactly like a father would do, and Jay squeezed her hand, but as Hank stepped out, she didn't let go of his hand. "Will you stay?" A silent plea in her eyes did not escape Jay, and he stepped back to her side, reassuringly touching her shoulder.

"Of course."

"We got back the results from the rape kit." Erin's eyes flickered with shock. They haven't really talked about it, so Jay didn't get a chance to tell her that they performed it, but from the fierce nod she gave, he knew it was the right call.

His hand slid into hers, squeezing her hand softly, reminding her that he was there no matter what Ethan said. They were going to get through this together.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I know, I know, I suck! I left you with such a cliffhanger and then life got sort of hectic. Please forgive me and don't give up on this story? I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

 **Please let me know what you think!? Much love!**

* * *

"We didn't find signs of sexual assault. Though when we swabbed your body, we did find traces of semen."

Erin nodded, swallowing. She was expecting that. "He—I—I think he—." She scrambled for words, not finding anything classy enough to describe what must've happened during one of her sleeping spells. She felt Jay's hand squeeze hers tighter, but she couldn't tell whether it was anger, or reassurance. "I woke up once and it was all over me." She hated herself for being ashamed to admit that. How many times did she stand here in this hospital, telling the victims it wasn't their fault, and yet she felt ashamed to admit it.

The doctor nodded. "Well, nothing else happened."

"Thanks, Ethan," Erin murmured, and he nodded and left, sliding the doors closed behind him.

Time seemed to have stopped for a second, as Erin looked up. It was stupid, but she was afraid of what his reaction would be at what she told them. Would he be disgusted? Repulsed? But the tears in his eyes told a different story. She let him press a light kiss on the top of her head.

"That's really good news," he said. "Though nothing Ethan had said could make me love you less. You know that, right?"

She stared at him for a long second, her hands fidgeting nervously with the cover to keep her busy. Jay managed to convey how glad he was about the negative result, while still letting her know he wouldn't have cared if it wasn't. "Thank you," she murmured, wondering what she did to deserve a boyfriend like Jay. "And thank you for finding me. I don't think I ever said it."

"You don't have to. I will always find you." After a brief moment of pause, he looked at her. Her eyes seemed to have lost themselves in his and it seemed her mind was miles away from him, lost in thoughts. "How are you doing, Erin? Really?"

"I'm fine," she murmured, "healing."

There was that word again. Fine. The word she repeated to the doctors, and to Voight when he asked, and to him multiple times. But when the time came for her to close her eyes and sleep, he heard her whimper despite the painkillers she was getting. She was not fine, and the sooner she accepted that, the better. But he refused to push her, so he just nodded, covering up a yawn with his hand.

"Jay, what's going on? Why are there cops in front of my room?" She waited for him to answer, and when he didn't, she asked again. She had asked Voight that same question, but he got a phone call and never did get to answer.

"Because he's still out there," he snapped, his eyes darkening. There was an edge to him, she noticed, that she had never seen before. And though her heart fell, knowing that the guy responsible for her being in a hospital was still out there, it fell even more seeing Jay like that.

He immediately regretted his tone, and apologized, but it was enough for Erin to see through his façade. "I couldn't get him." It sounded to her, almost as if he was apologizing.

"Jay, you got me." She traced his cheek with her fingers, wiping the tears away. It only made him cry harder. "It's okay. I'm here now."

It made him sick, because he should be the one comforting her, not the other way around, and yet he couldn't seem to keep his emotions together ever since they found her. Since he found her, barely alive.

It took her a split second to realize what happened and what Jay must be feeling. "It was either him or me?" She asked carefully and watched him nod with desperation. "It's okay, Jay. If it was you, I would've made the same decision. I don't blame you for it."

"I'll get him," he promised, even though she needed no such promises. She only had to look in his eyes to know that he would stop at nothing, and that was exactly what concerned her. A silent sigh escaped her; the one of tiredness and utter sadness, and he looked at her, immediately searching for ways to make it better.

"Can I ask you for something?"

"Anything," he replied. She could quite literally drown in the fresh blue of his eyes, somehow even more piercing after the tears.

"Lie down with me?" She scooted on the side, making space for him on the side where she wasn't stabbed. He carefully laid next to her, watchful not to touch any of her injuries, then let her rest her head on his chest, and chuckled at her sigh of content when she did.

That's how Will found them hours later, for the first time in days, both getting the rest they desperately needed to heal. And though Will knew this was only the beginning of the process, he had to admit it was a pretty good one.

* * *

"Do you think I could shower?" She attacked Will the next time he stopped by. Though not officially her doctor, the red-head has been known to stop and check on her whenever he could. It irritated Erin at the beginning. The constant hovering of not only Will, but everyone.

It was acceptable that Jay hasn't moved from her side for the past couple of days, with the exception of when Erin had to give a statement. Because they knew who they were dealing with, and who to look for, they could afford to wait longer than with most victims, but they still asked her to remember anything that could help them find him.

Erin, who was high on drugs for most of the time, admitted that she has difficulty telling reality from hallucinations, so there is really no way of telling which of her memories were true, but she told them everything she remembered (which wasn't much to begin with).

"If you cover up your wound, I'm sure your doctor will let you," he affirmed and watched her smile shyly.

"I just need to feel like myself again."

"I'll talk to Maggie," he promised.

When she reluctantly asked Jay to run home and grab her stuff from the bathroom, he nodded and chuckled when she suggested he took a shower as well while he was at it. He had been by her side all the time, refusing to go home to rest or eat. She had been selfish, not wanting him to go anywhere.

Since her wound was healing nicely, Maggie helped her dress it with a plastic bandage, so the water wouldn't reach it, and Jay brought her a bag from home, containing almost everything she needed.

The water running over her body cleansed her in a way she didn't think she needed. She scrubbed erratically—still as gently as she managed, remembering every time he touched her with a hint of sexual in his behaviour. She scrubbed clean of all the times she woke up and realized he must've touched her. She scrubbed especially hard for that time when she woke up and felt his mess all over her.

Then the tears came. The tears that she didn't allow to fall before, because of the walls she had put up herself, to keep him from breaking her spirit. She wouldn't allow him to see her cry, and she never did. But now she was alone. There was no need to pretend anymore, not for his sake, of Jay's, or anyone's.

The sobs that escaped her throat hurt somewhere deep inside. Letting our all the pain she couldn't possibly express with words, she let her body shake and the tears run and the water wash it all away. She didn't hear him come in, and flinched when the shower curtain moved, but then she let him pull her against him while she cried, and cried, and cried.

Cried for all the times she couldn't before, and finally allowed herself to _not_ be okay.

All the while Jay allowed himself to be enveloped in the scent of her shampoo, thinking that maybe this was the break he's been hoping for.

After that, he finally asked her to talk to someone about it. If she couldn't talk to him, which he didn't like, but understood, then at least to someone, so it wouldn't all get pushed beneath the surface like so many things did. Reluctantly, she agreed and spend the next two hours talking to dr. Charles, while Jay took a nap (doctor's orders) in the doctors' lounge.

"She agreed to see a shrink?" Voight's voice woke Jay from his daydream. The nurses had come to change Erin's bandage, so he gave her some privacy and waited on the hallway.

"Yeah," he said, "I mean, I might've manipulated her a little," he confessed. Another thing to add to the list of things he had done lately and didn't completely like. But if the past three weeks taught him anything, it was that he would do anything for Erin.

"Whatever you did, good job. We need to keep a close eye on her."

Jay nodded. This was a conversation he had had with Will a couple of hours ago, when his brother in no uncertain terms let Jay know that Erin might be a suicide risk, so they couldn't leave her alone until she opened up to someone, so they could do an evaluation. Which was why Jay promptly removed the razor from her toiletries before bringing it to her. He wasn't sure if she noticed, but if she did, she kept quiet about it.

There was something else on his mind, and he couldn't stay silent any longer. "Serge, I know I wasn't the easiest person to be around during those weeks, and I would completely understand if I—I didn't have a job anymore."

"You think I'm gonna fire you, because you did everything you could to save Erin? We were all on edge, Halstead. Forget about it."

"I appreciate that. I know you're probably short, with Erin already gone, and I've been here all the time…"

"No rush. I'll get a temp to fill in. The guys have agreed to work overtime." Which was unfair, Jay thought, because they have been working overtime for the past couple of weeks without real breaks. But the thought of leaving the hospital—leaving Erin—and going to work made him feel worse than he'd been willing to admit. "Erin comes first."

At least they still had one thing in common, Jay thought. They both agreed on that.

"And you? You alright?" Voight's voice was still gruff and gravely as always, but with surprise Jay realized he seemed to care.

"Me? Yeah. I'm fine," he replied, shocked that the sergeant even asked that, but it only took one more day to prove how wrong that answer had really been.

* * *

Jay felt better now about leaving Erin for a few hours if somebody else was with her. Burgess dropped by a lot, and Antonio too (though Jay wasn't sure whether it was to check on Erin or him). The unit has been in and out, both Adam and Kevin managed to cheer up Erin significantly with stories about cases. He even stopped on his way back to the hospital to pick up some pastries for her. When she had finally started complaining about hospital food, it was a clear sign she was feeling more like herself. Ever since her breakdown in the shower, she had been more open, sharing sporadic details of her captivity with him whenever she felt like it.

His face fell when he stopped in front of her room to see an empty bed. He checked the bathroom, but no sign of Erin anywhere, or on the hallway.

"Maggie, did they take Erin for tests? Why isn't she here?"

Maggie frowned and checked her tablet. "No, she should be in her room."

"Well, she's not!"

The next person he shouted at was the uniform that was supposed to be guarding her. He said he didn't see anyone go in her room, or out. But then apparently, he was blind, because that was the only explanation Jay could come up with as to why he didn't see a woman in a hospital gown leave her room when he was supposed to be watching her.

Panic crippled him. This couldn't be happening again. Not again. That bastard couldn't have walked into the hospital and… Maggie's hand on his shoulder snapped him out of the darkest scenario. Seeing the look on his face, she wasted no time and joined him in his search.

Luckily, it didn't take long until he heard the distinctive sound of her laugh.

"I just wanted some water," he heard her say, while Will smiled, seeing right through her. "Okay, and to stretch my legs. I didn't exactly use them all that much since…" It looked like his girlfriend had his brother wrapped around her little finger. Too bad she just nearly gave him a heart attack and sent him to his early grave.

"Jay, there you—," Maybe it was the wild expression in his eyes that made her stop mid-sentence, or Will's worried call of his name, or the fact that he couldn't breath and stormed past her to get some air, not stopping for her worried questions.

"Get back to bed," Will pleaded, as he followed his brother to the staircase. He was a pretty smart guy, so when he saw Erin out of bed, and Jay's frantic expression, he put two and two together. Knowing what he was up against helped when he found Jay on the floor, sobbing between trying to get out incomprehensible words.

What a nice circle it was, Jay thought, to finish this with a third panic attack. Will sat down next to him, breathing steadily, so that Jay could copy the rhythm. It was a technique they developed after Jay got home.

"Just breathe, Jay. Focus on your breathing."

It took a couple of minutes, but the erratic breaths calmed down, and all there was left was tears. Jay let his brother pull him into a hug, relieved he was with someone he didn't have to hide from.

"I'm worried about you, Jay."

"I'm fine. I just had a shock."

"How many is that?"

"Three," Jay admitted with a small voice.

"You've gotta take care of yourself. If your health isn't important enough to you, then just remember she's gonna need you too."

Jay knew Will was playing a low ball, but he nodded anyway, because low or not, his brother was right.

"I know."

* * *

"Hey, kid, how you doing?"

"I don't know," she admitted, smiling a little at her father figure. He pulled her into a hug, and she enjoyed the sudden feeling of warmth and safety. The feeling that only one other person was able to give to her.

"This might help," he said gruffly, setting a box of chocolates on her bedside.

"My favourites! You spoil me."

"What's going on? Where's Halstead?" It was a miracle alone that the young detective wasn't glued to her bedside.

"This weird thing just happened. I was out of bed, and talking to Will, and he just came to find me looking totally undone, and then he left, and Will went after him… I wanted to go check, but Maggie made me come back to bed."

"You mean you weren't here when he came?"

"No, I went to find some water," she explained. "I was talking to Will."

"So, the man who just spend three weeks searching for you came back and you were gone, and he was upset?"

Understanding dawned on her, and she had to blink repeatedly to stop the tears from spilling over. She had just unintentionally given Jay the worst scare of his life.

"Just cut him some slack. He didn't exactly have it easy." He would never dream of telling Erin just what Halstead did to get to her (that was his decision to make), but he did feel like she needed to know maybe he wasn't as fine as he was letting on.

Jay didn't bring it up when he returned to her room, and she didn't either, but she stopped huffing so much when he was hovering, and let him fuss, because she finally realized that maybe he wasn't doing it, because she needed it.

But because he did.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: How can I ever thank you enough for all the amazing feedback? You guys are the best, and you're making me so inspired to continue this story. I hope you like this chapter.**

 **This chapter is rated M towards the ending.**

* * *

"I think it's time we let you go home." Erin stared at Ethan for a good second. Home? When she just started to feel normal here, in the unlikeliest of places?

"Home?"

Ethan nodded. "Your wound is healing without complications; your injuries have been treated. You can't return to work yet, obviously, but you can go home. You'll probably feel much more comfortable. I'll get your discharge papers ready today. Maggie will talk to you about redressing your wound, and give you instructions. The cast will come off in a couple of weeks, but the bone seems to be healing properly according to ortho."

"Thanks doc," she murmured. Mentally, she kicked herself. All that time she spent complaining about hospital food and hospital beds, and now that she got to leave, she didn't feel ready?

"Hey, babe. Will told me it's the big day?" He approached her carefully, she noticed. It must have been all the flinching, but he always made sure she knew he came into the room somehow, never sneaking up on her.

"Yeah."

"I brought you some clothes from home." He noticed the worry lines on her face and frowned himself. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. It's just, I'm glad things are going back to normal. I'm just worried I'm not ready to be all normal yet."

"Hey," he murmured, bringing her chin up so she was forced to look at him. The dark circles around his eyes have mostly disappeared, and there was nothing but those adorable freckles she loved so much. The familiar scent of oranges invaded her nostrils, and she breathed in with content. Lately she felt even more connected to him, even tethered to him. "You move at your own pace. Nothing needs to change. Except we'll sleep in our own comfortable bed tonight."

She smiled at that. He'd been camping with her, sleeping on the chair, or next to her, or on rare occasions on the couch in the doctors' lounge. Not that he said anything, but Erin knew his back must've started to complain. She knew hers would.

"You're right."

Seven hours later, Erin stood in front of their bed, clutching the comforter in her healthy hand so tight her knuckles turned white. She let out a deep breath she didn't know she was holding. The one thing she wanted was to feel normal again—didn't want her abductor to win by getting in her head and disrupting her life even further.

"Babe?"

"I'm okay," she whispered, despite the obvious signs she was not. It felt like there was a rock sitting on her chest and she couldn't move and couldn't breathe.

"Do you want me to stay on the couch?" He asked, wondering if it was his proximity that was causing her to panic.

Her head shook furiously, grabbing his hand. "No, please. That's the last thing I want."

"Are you afraid to go to sleep? Because of the nightmares?"

She gave him a barely visible nod. It amazed her how well he knew her. "What if I go back to it, and it happens all over again." She didn't think she could handle that.

"I know this is hard. Trust me, I know a thing or two about nightmares. And I promise that if they come, I'll be right here to bring you back." Because right now that was the only thing he could do. It also made him feel utterly helpless.

"My hero," she murmured, and leaned up. She had to step onto her tiptoes to reach his lips, because he didn't meet her halfway as usual. Their lips touched for the first time since she got back, and maybe it wasn't fireworks, or some grand kiss filled with passion. It was just a lingering kiss that curled her toes and made the butterflies in her stomach gain wings again.

And it was the moment when things fell into place for her again. After a moment, she felt him respond, and she understood that he was waiting for her to set the pace she wanted. That's why he didn't kiss her before, always respecting her boundaries. Gratefulness filled her soul, and she felt a tear trickle down her cheek. One he wiped away gently with his thumb.

"Let's just go to sleep," he suggested, and she nodded. They switched sides of the bed, because of her injury, and she curled herself against him, enjoying the familiar feel of his body as a pillow. The nightmares she expected did come, but only for a moment before she got pulled back into reality by the gentle touch of his hand.

* * *

Because McKinley was still out there, Jay sat down with Erin to set up some security rules. He had already been sleeping with his gun by his head, and he insisted on changing and upgrading the locks at the apartment.

"I know you don't like it when people fuss over you," he assured, "but this is different. I don't think I could handle losing you again, so please let's not give him the opportunity to get near you ever again. Until he's out there, I don't want you going around alone. Not while you're still injured. If not for yourself, do it for me?"

She nodded reluctantly. "Okay. But I can't just be a prisoner of my own apartment."

"We'll figure it out," he promised.

The fact was that Erin noticed that something was pulling him more and more away from her. He would leave for an hour of two, and he'd return with bloody knuckles, but making jokes, as if somewhat lighter. There were little changes in his behaviour, like how his fists clenched with anger accompanied by his jaw tightening, as if he had trouble controlling it, and how his gym visits got more and more common. The darkness in his eyes seemed to have become a permanent resident.

When she saw Antonio one time with a black eye, she laughed and asked him about it, but he dismissed it quickly. Later she found out that Antonio had been practicing with Jay, and things got a little out of control. It was Adam who told her (because even wounded, Adam was still slightly afraid of her) that Jay had been a little out of control lately. Not that he let her see it, or at least he tried his best not to.

"Babe, we need to talk," she said, when he came in through the door with a bag of groceries. "What's going on with you?" He evaded her questions as always, but she was Erin Lindsay, and she knew how to get answers out of her man.

"Don't give me that bullshit. I talk to you, I agreed to see a shrink, so you don't get to pull this on me. I spoke to Ruzek and I know what happened at the gym, now what is going on? Talk to me, Jay."

"I don't know," he confessed, looking so utterly broken that she quit what she was doing and pulled him into a hug. "I just feel so helpless and angry all the time. Because I feel like I failed you. He never should have taken you. If I had only stayed home that morning—" His voice broke, tears already making their way down. "And if I had done more, I would've found you sooner, and instead it took me three weeks, and he's STILL OUT THERE! And we have no leads. I'm supposed to be there for you, and I can't even keep it together."

She would take the torture over this. Seeing Jay, her solid rock, break like that was perhaps the worst experience of her life, and she automatically pulled him against her. They crumbled on the floor, because she wasn't strong enough to hold his weight up, and with every sob he let out, she felt her heart break a little more.

It wasn't his fault. But there was nothing she would say that would make him believe that, so instead, she just held him close, trying very hard not to let him slip through her fingers. Pressing her tearstained face against him, she prayed for something to get them both through this alive.

* * *

Though Erin would never admit it, this was exactly what she needed. As always, Jay knew that before she ever did. It was one of the times that made her wonder if he really did know her better than she knew herself.

Propped on her elbows, she was spread across a purple blanket that created a startling contrast against the greenest grass she'd ever seen. The only sound she could hear for miles was the sound of birds chirping, and leaves rustling in the wind that brought a distant scent of honeysuckle with it. The scorching hot sun felt good to her skin, as she hadn't had any contact with it for days. They both packed heavily on sunscreen because of that particular reason, but she loved the burn that seemed to warm up not only her bones, but her soul as well.

"Did you find one?" He asked from his comfortable position next to her. While she was facing the grass, he was lying on his back, and had spent the past half hour either sleeping or cloud gazing, she couldn't be sure.

She was scouring the grass for four-leaf clovers, but hadn't managed to find one. She neglected to tell him that she had given up ten minutes ago and was instead counting the new freckles on his arm.

"Nope." Tracing the skin on his shoulder, she left soft pampering caresses everywhere she touched. "I don't need luck. I have you."

That made him open his eyes, and while smiling, she wanted him to know she meant that. Because there was nothing else she needed in this world if he was by her side.

"This place got you all mushy?" He teased and she giggled.

"Maybe," she admitted, "I mean it does border on paradise." And maybe paradise was just what she needed after going through hell so recently.

He pulled her down so his lips could move lazily over hers. "Any place is paradise with you."

"Now who's cheesy?"

He didn't reply to that, but he knew he had every right to feel cheesy and stupidly grateful that this is reality and not one of the dreams he'd wake up from drenched in sweat.

"How did you bully Hank into giving you days off?" She wondered, changing the subject. Her abduction was something both of them thought about a lot, but didn't yet put into words, and so far, she was more than fine with it. He didn't push, and she didn't rush.

"I simply asked."

Truthfully, the sergeant was more than glad to give him days off when Jay told him his plan. She was only home for a couple of weeks, but the nightmares which lead to sleepless night and the constant flinching at every sound had Jay more concerned than he cared to lead on. While Jay was busy worrying about her, she felt exactly the same about him.

It was really Will's idea. Jay had taken Erin to her check-up and to take off her cast (which she was so happy about), and while talking, his brother casually told Jay that maybe they simply needed some time away, and that's when he remembered this place, and how effective it was in healing some of his own wounds when he got back from overseas.

When he spoke to Voight he nodded in agreement. "I think it will do you both good. Take as long as you need."

Getting Erin on board was actually a lot harder, since she thought they were benching her, but eventually she caved. Jay was pretty sure it was the genuine concern in his eyes that made her reconsider. When she slept through their entire first night here, nightmare-free, she had to admit that Jay was, as usually, right.

So far, it was a big fat lazy time of doing nothing, and they were both enjoying it. Erin spent most of the time either reading on the swing next to the cabin (that she didn't notice when they were there over Christmas at all) or napping on the blanket. Jay did the cooking, but other than that they just enjoyed being together, doing some urgent reconnecting.

Jay knew that while her bruises were quickly fading, the healing on her inner ones had not even started yet. But the feeling of safety and tranquillity filled them both over their stay here.

"This is like the best orchestra," she commented at the mixture of birds and crickets, as the sun slowly begun its descent, and he smiled at her wording.

"Well in that case, can I have this dance?"

She didn't call him stupid like he thought, but instead took his hand and joined him on the grass. They swayed together in the rhythm of their hearts beating as one. Erin let him held her close, closer than he had in days, as their bare feet occasionally touched.

Eventually, she rested her head against his chest, trying to burn this moment to her memory forever, because the way he held her between his arms and the way the last sun rays illuminated his face was her definition of everything. This was what she wanted to remember and dream about at night.

"Kiss me," she whispered, and he did. His lips touched hers in the softest kiss that made her knees go weak. The kiss that brought the stars from the sky to her, until there was nothing else.

She deepened the kiss, but she could feel him pulling away again.

"Touch me."

"Erin—"

"Make love to me," she pleaded. "I just want things to go back to the way they were. I want to forget this ever happened, and I want you to kiss me until I can't remember my own name."

He had been reluctant for the past couple of days, she knew. She kept dropping hints—hints that he wouldn't pick up on, and she knew he caught them. She was starting to get tired of the space he was so adamant to give her.

"I don't want to push you," he explained.

"Never," she murmured.

Gently, he brushed her hair out of the way, so he could reach her neck, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses down her jaw. She stepped on her tiptoes to reach him, going in for another kiss.

"I love you." Another first since she got back. Somehow not wanting to waste the words while she wasn't feeling like herself, she realized now, she didn't want to keep holding them back, because they didn't get any less true, and more than anything, he deserved to know that.

"I love you too." His words echoed hers almost in the same moment she spoke them, and it was like an invisible wall between them tumbled down. His fingers skimmed across her sun-kissed skin with no rush. He pushed down the straps of her summer dress, letting it pool around her feet.

"God, you're beautiful."

The weird thing was that despite the fading bruises and scars she actually believed him.

Erin took a step back, finding the blanket with her feet, while trying to get rid of his shirt. He chuckled at her impatience, motioning her to slow down. He wasn't going to rush this. He was going to cherish every second of it. They undressed each other, unhurriedly, literally and metaphorically.

He lowered her on the blanket, resuming his kisses. He didn't miss an inch of her skin. The bruises have been fading, and there was barely a trace of them left, her skin the same creamy white he was used to with a hint of tan.

When his hand slid down and rested on top of her heart, it left her trembling with want and need and all the love she felt. He looked down for any doubts, and she knew that he would stop if she asked him. Somehow, that made it so much easier not to stop.

Fluttering her eyes at him with a smile, she couldn't help but think how right it felt to be here with him, so exposed and vulnerable. Because she knew he was the only person who would never take advantage of that.

She felt his fingers move, almost lazily, to bring her pleasure, and the moan she let out got lost in the evening air. Her breath caught in her throat and her nails dug into his back, because she didn't want this to happen, not without him inside her to complete her so utterly.

He felt her shiver with need, and thrusted into her for the first time in weeks. A strangled moan escaped her, the experience so perfect in every way it filled her heart with happiness.

Her fist clenched the blanket, while he buried himself inside her over and over again, until once again he brought to her all the stars from the sky and their voices got softened by the night air. It brought tears to her eyes to know that this was something they still had, and would never lose.

Happy, truly happy for the first time in forever, she let him pull her against him, still flushed and heavy-breathing. Happy, she let herself drift, knowing that the bad dreams wouldn't come that night.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I really appreciate all the patience. I'm currently swamped with exams, and I'm trying to get chapters out as soon as possible, but school comes first. Sorry to have kept you waiting!**

 **Thank you to all the people who reviewed, you make it all worthwhile and you're the absolute best. I'm so happy you're enjoying this story.**

* * *

The first rays of sunshine woke her up before him. The feeling of calm radiated around them. It felt nice; it made her want to stay here forever, grow old besides the man she loved. She was still snuggled against him with her head resting on top of his chest. The blanket covered them partially, but his arms were wrapped around her protectively, either shielding her from the cold or any danger that might be thrown their way. She smiled. Even in sleep he was putting her first.

He looked like the picture of perfection to her. The beard he had grown during their stay here was really growing on her, though she was surprised that he abandoned his military habits. She imagined they could both use a little time off from their daily routines.

She was tracing patterns on his arm, connecting the freckles she had been counting the day before. They were endless constellations of stars, and she never got tired of them. It was just one of the many things she loved about him—and Erin loved many things about Jay. How all he had to do was smile and she was home. How his eyes offered a safe place anytime her world was crumbling down. How he knew her better than anyone else, and how he never used that against her.

When she reached his face she got even gentler, not wanting to wake him up. He looked like a sleeping prince in the shower of morning sunlight. He hummed softly, leaning into her hand and she grinned wider. His eyelashes fluttered open when she caressed his cheek. Her heart swelled with love and adoration.

"Morning," she murmured.

"Morning."

He blinked a few times to chase the grogginess away, and took the time to take her in.

"You look like a fairy," he said matter-of-factly. "The one from Midsummer Night's Dream?"

"Titania," she remembered, pulling the information out of her foggy recollection of high school English. It should have come as no surprise that her geeky boyfriend would compare her to a mythical creature out of Shakespeare's play. She grinned at the thought, as another piece of the play came back to her. "Pretty sure she wasn't naked," she teased, even though with Titania's record, she might as well have been.

"I don't know, I quite prefer you like this." He sat up, plucking a flower from the grass. Gently, he pushed it behind her ear. His badass, cynical girlfriend then surprised him by blushing.

"Thank you for this. For bringing me here. For being you."

"You don't have to thank me," he assured. "I needed it too."

"I don't know about you, but I'm starving," she mumbled, searching for her clothes in the grass as if it was something she did every day.

She picked a bouquet of wild flowers on the way back to the cabin, before jumping on his back demanding a piggy-back ride. Her chin rested on his shoulder, and the flowers tickled his face, but he loved how comfortable she had gotten with him since they first arrived. They put them in a vase so they could watch them as they ate, and remember the beautiful night they spent together.

* * *

"I can't believe it. How did nobody see it? Yeah. No, I understand. No, I think that might be a good idea as well. Yeah. Keep me posted." He resisted the insane urge to throw his phone at the nearest wall when he saw her hovering, leaning on the doorway.

"Something wrong?"

"No. It was just Voight checking up on us." He put on his best poker face, pulling her in for a kiss and murmuring something about pancakes, hoping that will get her mind off the phone call he really didn't want to talk about. It was a phone call he never wanted to have in the first place.

* * *

"How much do you love me?" She asked all of the sudden, and he knew she wanted something right away.

"Why?" He asked back with a suspicious tone.

"Enough to get up and get me some cookies from the kitchen?" They've been comfortably settled into bed already, and she was cuddled against him, her chin resting on his chest as they talked.

"You're not eating cookies in bed, Erin. There will be crumbs everywhere."

"But I'm hungry, and I want cookies!"

He felt the corners of his lips turn up. "Say cookies again and I'll consider it."

She approached his ear and then her sultry voice filled it. "Cookies." It was obvious she had him wrapped around her little finger, he had to give her that.

"How do you make that sound so hot?"

"Talent," she said, grinning and stretching over the bed as she watched him get up. "Get the ones with white chocolate chips and cranberries!" She yelled after him, her voice sounding off to the next room.

He was gone five minutes at the most. He couldn't find the cookies, so he rummaged through the cupboards a little, until finally he located them in the fridge. Erin must've been the one putting away groceries, he thought, shaking his head with a smile. Who puts cookies in a fridge?

Five minutes, and he got back to find her curled into a fetal position. The cookies hit the floor as he scrambled to the bed, where she was shivering and sobbing.

"Erin?"

"I can't breathe—" she managed to get out, and at first he thought it was physical, that she was choking, but he soon recognized the symptoms he dealt with for so many years.

"It's okay," he murmured softly, rubbing her back soothingly. "It's okay, you're okay. I'm here." He laid down behind her, pulling her into him carefully, and held her until her breathing finally relaxed. That was when she turned to face him, tearstained face and an embarrassed expression on her face.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I was thinking about going back home and I— "

"Panicked?" He finished for her and watched her nod.

"Was that a panic attack?" She asked with a small voice that made him think of a little girl. It was his turn to nod. "I've never had one before," she admitted, "have you?" She asked, already knowing the answer. It took Jay three seconds to realize what was happening, and he knew exactly how to get her to calm down, making sure she felt safe and protected in his arms. It made her wonder how many times he had one of those attacks and if anyone was there for him the way he was just there for her.

"Yeah. I used to have them a lot after coming back."

"But you don't anymore?"

He considered the question for a second. She contemplated his face, her hand settling on his face. "I've had a couple lately." He decided the truth was the least she deserved.

"Oh." Because of her. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice so inaudible that he wouldn't have heard her in he hadn't been facing her.

"No, don't apologize. It's not your fault." The last thing he would ever want was for her to blame herself for something that was so out of her control. "It's just the thought of losing you is extremely overwhelming for me."

She could understand that, because she shared the sentiment equally.

"Thank you for telling me," she said, surprised to realize that this was one of the rare occasions he had shared something of his time after the military with her. She swallowed, letting a tear roll over her nose and fall on the comforter. She let him kiss it away, and let the safe embrace of his arms create a cocoon for them, in which she felt protected enough to fall into a deep sleep.

* * *

"He followed me," she explained to Jay's raised eyebrows when she came back from her walk with a dog trailing behind her. "I think he has no home." The dog showed no aggressive behaviour towards him, as he followed Erin's example and leaned over to pet him on the head.

Jay sighed, knowing this was going to turn into a problem down the road. The sweet eyes of a German shepherd made him well-aware of how heart-broken Erin will be when somebody came to claim him.

"I'm sure he just wandered off," he suggested. "We should get him some water, it's pretty hot outside." Erin nodded, and set to find a bowl. The dog drank greedily, his tongue lapping the water.

"We should ask in the town if anyone is missing a dog," she said, sadness already audible in her voice.

"You already named him, didn't you?" He asked in resignation, watching her nod enthusiastically.

"Freckles." The dogs head snapped up as if to say he liked the name and Jay shook his head. He wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, but he could see a bunch of light brown dots on the black part of his fur that made Erin think of freckles. Despite his reluctance his lips spread into a smile when he watched Erin coo over the dog as if it were a child, and he already found himself thinking that if he was going to stick around, he sure would give him a bath.

* * *

"You're doing it wrong!" He managed to tell her later between the fits of laughter, but his heart felt more alive than ever, so maybe wrong wasn't so wrong after all. Freckles, as gentle as he was, was big. And when he got up and shook himself to get rid of the water, the bathroom and both of them were left dripping with tiny drops of water.

The only good thing, Jay thought, was that this was the second bath, so the water wasn't nearly as dirty as the first one. The dog clearly decided he has had it with them two, and got out of the bathtub, licking Erin's face enthusiastically while she grinned and let him.

It was a while since he had seen her this happy—this unapologetically and genuinely happy. He found himself liking Freckles more and more. Who was he kidding, the dog and Erin both had him wrapped around their little fingers/paws.

The dog made his way out of the bathroom, and Erin was going to follow him, but he pulled her back, a familiar glint in his eyes. Her eyebrows cocked as if to question his motives, and he grinned in reply, already discarding his shirt. It took one look at her—her white cotton shirt soaked through so he could see her erect nipples, the fabric sneaking up so there was a patch of soft skin visible—to wake up certain parts of his anatomy—a fact which Jay was becoming painfully aware of.

"We need a shower," he mentioned, looking at both of them.

"Well, when you put it that way," she agreed, her voice already husky with lust. Discarding her own clothes in record time, she let him pull her under the stream of water, and momentarily forgot all about their new pet, as the sounds of laboured breathing and wild moans filled the bathroom.

* * *

"Where are you taking me?"

"It's a surprise." It was nearly night time, and the crickets had already begun their night concert. The warm grass tickled her legs, as he led her down a path she was sure they've never followed before. Either that, or her coordination was severely lacking.

When he finally took off the scarf he had wrapped around her head, she had to blink a few times. The night air was fresh, but still warm enough that she wasn't chilly in the summer dress she had been wearing all day.

Then the view cleared and all she could do was let out a soft breath. The lake ahead of her was bathing in moonlight, and the soft sound of water filled her ears, seemingly calming her down.

"This is beautiful," she murmured.

"I was thinking we could go for a swim," he suggested, shrugging. He didn't bring her here before, because he was sceptic about her wound, but it was nothing but a scar now, or so his brother assured him on the phone.

It took her all of three seconds to discard her dress and jump into the water, leaving him standing on shore chuckling at her excitement. He pulled his shirt over his head and followed her into the water, which was pleasantly warm because of the past sunny days.

Seconds later, she was jumping into his arms with a shriek. Not that he didn't enjoy it—her body was warm and wet and pressing against him in all the right places.

"Something touched my foot," she complained, which had him bursting into laughter.

"Probably a fish."

"A fish?"

"God, you really are a city girl, aren't you? Yes, there are fish in this lake. Don't worry, I'll protect you from the big bad fish."

She laughed, her face turning red with embarrassment. She was glad for the darkness of the night to hide that fact. When he asked if she wanted to leave, she shook her head, then rested it on his shoulder.

"I'm good like this."

Erin lifted her head and their lips met in a lazy kiss. She noticed he had no problem deepening it this time. Smirking at the thought of progress, she grinded against him, making him groan with desperation. When he moved his mouth to her neck, she braced herself on his shoulders and wrapped her legs around him.

It was incredible, she thought, how a couple of weeks ago she didn't know if she would ever be ready for him to touch her like that again, and yet here he had her holding on by a thread, needing him inside her so badly she couldn't breathe. The desire for him was so strong it made her forget everything else, and that's why she found herself wanting him all the time.

He made love to her again that night in the water, and when she shattered all around him and her back arched back and she could literally see the stars—that's when she knew that while everything else in her life was fleeting, what they had was as lasting as it got.

It was a forever kind of love.

* * *

"You're hiding something from me," she said, her voice lacking the anger she was feeling. It wasn't like him to keep secrets, but he had been more and more worried—a direct contrast of Jay when they first got to the cabin. He was keeping secrets, having secret phone calls and the worst of all, he was lying to her face. "Don't even try to deny it."

He didn't, instead letting the guilt he had been feeling for the past few days wash over his face. He always was a horrible liar, especially when it came to Erin, and a part of him was surprised that he managed to keep it from her for as long as he did.

"You're not denying it. It's something serious." He didn't speak, instead lowering his head and looking at the floor. He didn't have to words to say it. "Whatever it is, I can handle it," she assured him, something in her voice making him look back up. His fingers laced with hers.

"Jay, did they find him?"

He shook his head. "He's looking for you," he said, never gladder that he decided to take her out of town. "The downstairs neighbour called me, and I told Voight to check it out. They found footage of him entering the building, and the lock on the door was broken. He's been at our apartment." The finality of those words made her shiver, because now that he has said them, there was no going back, and for the moment, she almost wished they could go back to being happy and blissfully ignorant. She saw his fists clench with anger and frustration, and for once, did not share his emotion.

She felt another, rather rare emotion wash through her—one she didn't feel often. She felt it when Jay was in a car with a retired assassin and they went silent. She felt is when Pulpo had Diego and she didn't have a clear shot. She felt it when they had Jay, and somebody had said ' _Kill him first, make her watch'_ and her world went white for a second.

Fear. A crippling, agonizing fear that she had absolutely no control over.

He saw it—she knew he saw it rooted somewhere deep in her eyes, and yet she still had the need to say it. "I'm scared." Her words barely a whisper, she let the tears fall, never having felt so useless in her entire life. She always found a way to fight back, never seeing herself as a victim, but this was a battle she wasn't ready for. This was a battle she didn't want to fight.

Burying one hand into the fur of the animal that was currently resting his head on her knee, letting out groans to comfort her, she let herself feel every ounce of the fear and the pain, while Jay held her, repeating to her like a mantra that he would never let anything happen to her again in a desperate attempt of not losing the progress they made since they got there—desperate attempt of making her feel safe again.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry this took so long! I had exams, and started a new summer job. I hope you guys are still with me and that you enjoy this chapter!**

 **Don't forget to review ;)**

* * *

It was another day, she told herself as she sat on the kitchen counter of the little, but well-furnished kitchen of the cabin. Her bare legs were hanging off the counter, and she was reading a recipe out loud for Jay to follow. Her boyfriend was staying true to his househusband reputation, as he whisked together ingredients for their meal. It felt good to be like this. It felt right. It meant she could almost forget something bad ever happened and pretend this was their new normal.

"You're sure it says 2 cups?"

"Yeah," she said cheekily, even though she knew very well it didn't.

"That's not how I remember it," he answered with a chuckle, causing her to pout at him.

"You know the recipe by heart?"

"I know it's not 2 cups of flour," he assured her, and she started laughing, putting the cookbook away. Jumping off the counter, she came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist. Her head reached somewhere around his shoulders, so that's where she pressed a kiss to, enjoying the heat radiating from his skin.

"I think we need to talk," she murmured, and he sighed. They both knew that they couldn't hide here forever, not when there were real problems back at home. "I wanna go back." He turned to face her, allowing her to study his expression. Serious. Sombre. Worried. An expression she had seen him wear much too often lately.

"Erin, what good will that do?"

"I can't stay here, hiding, Jay. I want to face this head on. I love staying here. But it's starting to feel too much like hiding."

"Why can't we just wait until they find him?"

"That guy is a pro at evading police. I know, because I've been hunting him before. It could take months. You need to go back to work, and I need to do the same."

He knew, somewhere, deep, deep down that she was right, but it didn't change the fact that she was his partner—and putting his partner at risk—putting the love of his life at risk—felt unacceptable.

"If we go back, there will be security measures taken," he said strictly, his voice leaving no room for arguments. "We won't stay at the apartment. Not while he knows where you live and he's out there. There will be 24/7 security detail."

"Will you be providing that detail?" She smirked, though it didn't get the reaction she hoped for. He frowned.

"This isn't a joke. Erin, if he got to you again, I would never forgive myself."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll go along with anything. We have to go back to our lives. Stop putting everything on hold. We can't stop living our lives because of him."

He had taken enough of her as it was. She would not let him win again.

* * *

The warm sun was hitting her in the back as they were leaving the sunset behind them, driving at full speed towards Illinois. Her head felt heavy, and at some point, it fell on Jay's shoulder, where she found a comfortable position. Her hand covered his where they touched on his thigh and she couldn't imagine a better moment. She felt unbreakable.

She wondered if he knew how much she had been leaning on him this past couple of weeks—how much her strength depended on him. He had been there always. There to catch her every time she felt like drifting, or falling. It was ironic, how the experience that could've caused them to drift apart was the one thing that ended up bringing them closer together.

"Jay! What are you—?" She squeaked when her reverie was interrupted by a sudden stop along the road. Then she saw the sign and rolled her eyes. It was just like him to stop to admire a traffic sign.

"It's a sign, come on. You gotta." He was pretty adamant about it, and she knew he wouldn't budge.

"Seriously?"

"Afraid so."

They got out of the car, Erin still rolling her eyes, but starting to feel amused by his excitement.

"Make a pose. Come on, give me something, partner," he teased with his phone out, and took a couple of pictures. She flipped him a finger and pointed to the sign. "I'm framing all of these."

It was silly, she knew, but when they got back into the car and put the sign for the town of _Erin_ behind them, she had a goofy smile on her face that she was sure only he could be the cause of.

* * *

If anything proved how much he loved her, it was the fact he was standing on the porch of a house that belonged to Hank Voight, squeezing her hand in reassurance (instead of the other way around), while holding a bag filled with their clothes and necessities.

It all started when he told her that he made some arrangements with Voight for her to stay at the house she used to live in instead of their apartment. He didn't feel good about letting her out of his sight, but he knew nobody would protect her like Voight (except for him). He didn't feel good leaving her at the apartment while McKinley knew where she lived and how to get in. Not even ten locks on the door would ease his mind at that, and though reluctant, Erin agreed.

But she wouldn't stay there without him, she said stubbornly, her chin sticking out, a defiant look in her eyes reminding him of all the reasons why he loved her. He knew this was her putting her foot down, so to speak, that it was a lost battle. That's how he found himself agreeing to stay with her in the house of his very terrifying boss, because there wasn't anything he wouldn't do to keep Erin safe.

"Here, boy," she murmured to the dog glued to her leg. It only took a couple of tears brimming in her eyes for Jay to give in, and allow Freckles to jump on the backseat of their car. He slept through the entire ride, merely lifting an ear when they stopped for gas and rest. He was now a new part of their two-people family, and the two boys have already bonded when they realized they share a very important interest—protecting Erin and keeping her safe at all costs. It was something they both had in common and Jay couldn't help but feel better because the dog would not leave Erin's side at all.

If someone had told him a year ago that he would find himself cohabitating with Hank Voight, he would laugh in their face forever. Yet here he was.

"Hey, kiddo," Voight greeted and she very uncharacteristically fell into his arms. He wrapped her into a hug and nodded to Jay. "And who's this?"

"Freckles," she said. "I hope you don't mind. He's family now."

"We haven't had a dog in this house forever, it'll be nice after all those years." That made Erin remember Loony, the dog they had when she first came to live with them (named by Justin of course). She remembered how he would come to her bed sometimes and curled up at her feet. She remembered how safe it made her feel. The opposite of how she felt ever since they left the state limits of Wisconsin.

"Halstead, you can take the guest room," Voight said, nodding at Jay, but Erin shook her head.

"He sleeps with me, or I don't sleep at all."

She prepared for an argument, but he merely frowned and nodded. She gave him a small nod as to say thank you. She would have hated to pull the _I've-recently-been-kidnapped_ card, but she would have, never budging from the fact that Jay would sleep next to her. That was non-negotiable.

Erin knew his was awkward for Jay. It just served as another reminder of how much he loved her, and what he was willing to do to keep her safe.

As on cue, Freckles lay down at Jay's feet, waiting for a belly rub. She gave her boyfriend a very suspicious look. He had been spoiling this dog rotten in her absence, unwilling to admit that he had grown on him just as much, or even more. She might have been the one to start this furry love circle, but it definitely didn't stop with her.

The wind was blowing softly, and she closed her eyes for a second. After her downward spiral after Nadia died, she came here. It was one of the conditions, but it felt good at the time—a place of healing. Now, she thought, she had healed as much as she could far away, and yet life still somehow made her come back to this house, as if she were destined to keep returning.

It was awkward for Jay, but for Erin it was coming home. She knew because the moment she stepped into her old room, she felt like she had never left. If she closed her eyes, she could almost hear Camille calling her down for dinner, or Voight shouting up to Justin to keep the music down. It brought a ghost of a smile to her lips.

She knew the texture of the mattress and the shaking of the window. It felt odd, having Jay there. Almost as if her past life and present life collided. But that didn't change the fact that she wanted him there, more than he could ever have known.

As she drifted to sleep, snuggled against Jay's bare chest, and with a heavy dog at her feet, she wondered if she would ever be able to leave this behind her, or would it always be a ghost in her life, throwing shadow on her career and personal relationships.

* * *

"She'll want to come back to work. Maybe desk duty. That way we can keep an eye on her."

Jay voice carried over from the kitchen, even though she felt he was speaking lower than usual. She understood his concern and his wish to keep her safe, but if he didn't stop treating her with gloves, she would have to strangle him.

It came as no surprise to her that her foster father eagerly agreed with that, and since he was her boss, she could imagine bitching and fighting wouldn't help much. He had the last call. And if all the men in her life connected into a united front, she didn't stand much chance.

"How much do you get if you kill someone for irritating you to the point of madness?" She casually asked as she stepped into the kitchen, Freckles stomping after her like a true guard dog. Hank leaned back into his chair, smirking at her, while Jay rolled his eyes with affection.

"I'd pity all those who had to share a cell with you," Voight commented and she snorted, going straight for coffee, the smell of which had woken her up in the first place. She noticed Jay was a little more comfortable and she wondered what the two of them had talked about before she made it there. She would find time for interrogation later.

Jumping at the sound of the toast being ready, she threw it on the plate.

"Look, honey, I made breakfast," she said, with her lips tugging at the corners, and placed the toast on the table. The dog's ears went up, and she smiled, putting some of the dog food they bought into a bowl. She needed to remember to get some dog stuff for him.

"It's a step-up from when you were sixteen."

"I'm guessing she wasn't a big fan of house chores even then?" Jay asked and Voight shook his head, chuckling. "Some things never change," he teased, earning himself a smack across the shoulder that she was pretty sure hurt her more than him.

* * *

"How are you, kiddo?" She knew it wasn't a casual question, even though the phrasing itself did not give it away. It was the voice laced with fatherly concern.

"I'm good. Solid," she replied. "I promise."

"You know, I've been waiting for you to slip," he admitted, and she nodded. She knew it was the most obvious road for her after what she's been through.

"I'm not gonna say it hasn't been tough," she admitted. There had been a few sleepless nights where the comfort of the buzz would be more than welcome. Those were almost the nights when she took one glance at the sleeping body next to hers, concentrated on the slow steady breathing, and remembered how close she got to losing it all. Those were the nights when she pushed through the pillows and snuggled against him and when his arms wrapped around her it was like a lifeline. "But I'll be okay. I'm actually more worried about Jay. You still won't tell me what happened with him while I was gone?"

She got the standard answer. How it wasn't his story to tell. How she should ask him. Then he changed the topic, which suited them both, but not before wrapping her into a bear hug, asking her to let him know if there was anything he could do to make things easier for her.

She jokingly hit his shoulder. "Get off my boyfriend's back. At least while we're sharing the same roof? Then you can go back to being an old grumpy man that you are."

"Dads will be dads," he replied, making the corners of her lips tug upwards once again in a lost battle.

Erin pressed her palm to the scanner, and the familiar buzz of the door opening made her feel normal. Jay was parking the car, and allowed her to make the whole of three steps into the precinct on her own. She was surprised he didn't insist on walking her in.

Platt surprised her by coming from behind her counter, squeezing her into a hug.

"Never again, detective," she said, when Erin pulled back, visibly moved. All she could manage was a nod, before heading upstairs to say hi to the boys, and present Voight with a clean bill of health she got from the doctor that morning.

The next five minutes contained a lot of hugging, some affectionate teasing, and a lot of family murmuring how glad they were she's alright.

Hank wasn't sure about letting her back on the field yet. They had a 45-minute argument about it the night before, but the doctor's opinion would be sure to sway his opinion. She even passed her psychiatric evaluation, though she made a standing appointment with Dr. Charles. She still felt there were necessary.

Especially because the dreams—the dreams she didn't mention to anyone yet—were getting all too common at night.

* * *

Jay was being ridiculous.

Erin huffed with desperation, angry at her boyfriend for denying her the one thing she craved the most—intimacy. He had claimed it would just be too weird doing it with her father figure in the next room, so they'd just wait until this whole thing was over.

It apparently did not occur to him that it could take weeks until they found him, and Jay would be at ease enough to move back into their apartment.

Some awkwardness still remained between the three habitants of the Voight residence, especially between Jay and Hank. She knew there was nothing she could do about it, but it bugged her that Hank still wasn't completely at ease with her relationship with Jay, despite the fact she told him over and over again to get over it because Jay wasn't going anywhere. Ever. It got to a point where she was convinced he actually liked Jay fine, but was doing this on purpose to mess with her.

"You better find this guy soon," she muttered to Jay one morning while they were driving to work, "or I'm gonna combust." The really hot make-out session they had in the car didn't help her frustration at all, and she imagined it was the same for him. She was even considering renting a hotel room, because she seriously needed her fix, but instead, she resorted to a good ol' seduction technique.

So she teased him a little, throwing hot glances, sultry voice, and innocent touches at him, suffering when he turned tables on her. Returning the "casual" touches in double. She didn't know how she made it through the day, but when he told her the unit was going out for drinks, she shook her head. The only thing she needed was an ice-cold shower. And her hand. And the shower head, since her boyfriend was not in helping mood.

"Come on, Er. It'll be nice to hang with the guys."

"I'm not going," she insisted. "You go. I'll take a cab home."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not. Because I'm tired, and I just want to go home."

"One drink?"

"Don't push it."

"I want to know why not."

"Because I'm too fucking wet right now," she lowered her voice, even though there was no one left at the locker room except for them. "And it's all your fault for holding out." The wow of celibacy he took when they moved to Hank's house, and the constant teasing throughout the day were enough for the almost painful arousal at the end of the day. He knew it too, the son of a bitch, she could see it in his smirk. "I can't stand it anymore."

"Let me see," he said, his eyes scanning the place for any intruders, his voice husky with desire as he shoved his hand under the stretchy fabric of her pants. She gasped in surprise but let his fingers dip into her.

"Shit, Erin." She knew she was soaking wet, and looked like she was about to crumble under his touch. Not very gently, he pushed her against the locker, starting to move his fingers faster. She let out a strangled moan, her hips moving along. After days without his touch, his hand on her clit felt like heaven.

"That's it. Come for me, babe," he urged her, while she was gripping his shoulders tight, because she wasn't sure her legs could support her anymore. Her eyes closed, her back arched, she was not even sure she would care if anyone caught them. She only knew she needed to come. Soon.

But she was so wet, and there was not enough friction, and the frustration was back in no time. She pleaded for something, anything to relieve the tension that's been building up inside her. Jay chuckled softly, kissing her.

Her head fell onto his shoulder as her hand moved to grab onto something.

His fingers, combined with the things he whispered in her ear, pushed her over the edge, and she clung to him as she let out an endless series of incomprehensible words, ending it with a slam of her hand against the locker.

"Thank you," she said when she managed to open her eyes again. He was still there, letting her lean onto him until her legs regained function.

"Anytime." He grinned, and she felt the insane urge to punch his shoulder, but also, he had just made her come within minutes. Maybe he did have something to feel smug about. He still deserved that punch for leaving her out to dry for the past couple of days.

"We need to wait before we leave," he murmured, and her eyes skipped to the painful looking erection straining against his jeans. Maybe she wasn't the only one suffering through the day.

"Or maybe, we can just go finish what we started," she says in a low, husky voice, cupping him with her hand to make her intentions crystal clear.

It was safe to say, they both slept very well that night, happy that their housemate had no idea of their work activities.

* * *

"I hate this! I feel so weak. So vulnerable. All the time," she admitted in a small voice. They were getting ready for bed. The brush she had been sliding through her hair stopped somewhere in the middle, until she realized she had spoken the words out. He just got out of the shower, and the towel he wrapped around his waist was just as distracting as the little drops of water still sliding down his torso. She did not know why the words came out after being suppressed for days. Weeks even.

"You're not weak, Erin. You're the strongest person I know." He took two steps, stopping a few inches away, so he could see her face while they talked. She remained silent for a while, and he didn't push, so they stood there, until it got easier to breathe.

"But I'm scared. I keep looking over my shoulder, wondering when he'll be there."

"That just means you're smart. Because he's out there, and that's the reason to be afraid. I'm afraid too. You're still the fiercest, bravest person I know. And the grace you showed while dealing with all of this just proves me right."

"It was because of you." She didn't want him to believe in an illusion. She wasn't brave. She had been using him as a crutch, leaning on him every time the pain became too much. It hurt a little to admit that Erin Lindsay, the badass, independent woman was now heavily dependent on someone. She was a fraud.

"There was a time when you didn't even know how to do that," he reminded her. It wasn't as if she needed the reminded. The memory of what happened when she pushed him too far away was still clear in her head. "And you're doing good. You talk to me. Erin, do you realize how much we've talked about this? It's progress."

"You're my rock, you know?"

He nodded, brushing their lips together until even her fingertips were tingling. "I'm anything you need me to be."

* * *

She clenched her fists, letting out a furious scowl. If she hated anything, it was being side-lined. Benched.

How dare they?

She saw them, vested, geared up for a potentially dangerous situation. The only reason she was there, and not at home, was because they didn't trust her enough not to go after them (she had to agree with them for that). Instead, they left two patrol officers with her, under strict instructions not to let her out of their sight—and judging by the way Voight looked at them, they weren't going to either. One of them shot her a sympathetic look, but his stance let her know she wasn't going in there, even if it meant tackling her to the ground.

Meanwhile Jay and Voight and the rest of the unit were spreading across the building covering all exits, so the man that almost took her life would have no way of getting out.

Her heart trembled. The past weeks she hasn't been able to feel like herself. It wasn't like her to feel so… vulnerable. Very much not the badass she usually prided herself on. And now it was so close. Closure. Knowing he was no longer out there.

But she had seen Jay's expression before he went to put on a vest, and did not recognize him. Consumed with rage, and the need for revenge. It made her throat swell and heart thump, because the two men currently guarding her, were the reason her partner was going in there without her. Without her backup. It made her want to scream.

Their eyes met in a fleeting gaze, and she hoped their silent communication still worked, as she tried to convey to him to be careful, to not let be carried away. She knew that he could handle himself in there. She had no doubt.

But she was worried that if he crossed certain lines, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. And if she were the reason for him crossing that line, she wouldn't be able to live with herself either.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: As I said on tumblr, I think this will be the penultimate chapter (unless I change my mind at the last minute, or an idea strikes).**

 **I wanna say thanks to everyone who reads, and reviews. You guys are my inspiration. I love you all 3**

* * *

This was the moment he had been preparing for. For the last couple of weeks, he's been awaiting the moment when he'd look into the eyes of Erin's abductor, and point a gun between his eyes.

Then he'd pull the trigger.

He searched the hallways in frantic need to find this guy. He wanted to be the one to find him, even though he had no idea what he would do when he did. The rational thoughts evaporated as he entered the room and heard a silent whimper. He couldn't believe that the thought of McKinley having a new victim here didn't cross his mind, but the voice was definitely female. He heard Antonio behind him, motioning him forward.

The knocked down the door, making way to a heart-breaking scene. The girl was lying on the floor, a dead look in her eyes, as she still tried to pry his hands off of her neck, desperate for air. McKinley jumped off when he saw them and broke into flight. Without words, Jay motioned to the girl and Antonio nodded, kneeling down while Jay ran after McKinley. He got away once. He would not have such luck again.

His head felt blank all of the sudden, and it reminded him of the days when shooting someone in cold blood wasn't only normal—it was his job—necessary if he wanted to survive.

"Chicago PD, don't move!"

He stopped in his tracks, and though Jay felt some small bit of satisfaction at it, it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. But when McKinley was about to make another run for it, Jay knocked him down on the ground, taking the first swing at him.

The crouching sound he heard when his fist connected to McKinley's face made Jay think he broke his nose, or some other bone in his face, but he didn't care. He took another, and another, and another, before pointing the gun at him, just like he dreamt of for what seemed an eternity.

He was not expecting him to laugh, spitting out blood. "At least I'll go out with a bang. Literally." It made Jay sick to think of that poor girl in the room before. It made him sicker, because when he saw her, there was a small part of his brain that still saw Erin—the memory of how they found her in almost the same position too vivid. Too real. Too fresh.

"Thinking of your girl. She's a good one, isn't she? Too bad I didn't get to have my way with her. I was waiting for the proper moment, and you ruined it all. Softest skin I ever touched." He closed his eyes, as if enjoying the memory, and it took everything—everything in Jay's body and heart not to pull that finger back. That's all it would take. One pull of a trigger and they would never have to hear his name again. Erin could feel safe again. He could do it. He's done it before, so what's one more body, on the long list of nameless people?

But his hand shook when he thought of her. Almost as if she was there beside him, telling him in her rational but soft voice that this wasn't him. That he was better than that. That there was no need for the soldier in him.

His true north.

Erin.

"Don't have it in you, do you?" He taunted him to no avail. But when it came to it, it was Erin he saw. It was her voice he heard in his head.

"You are under arrest." He dragged him on his feet not at all gently.

It took a split second, before he could manage to pull out his cuffs and slap them on him, when he got his hand free and then he saw a knife, and felt a stinging pain on his left arm as he shielded himself from his attack. Then he finally let the bullets fly, and all Jay could feel when his gun was finally empty and McKinley's body hit the floor was an enormous wave of relief.

Voight led the way to the rest of the unit, and they stopped in their way when they saw them. Jay knelt down, the seconds he spent checking his pulse the longest in his life. Then he shook his head. He heard Voight call it in and he heard another sound of metal against ground, until he realized that was his own gun, dropping out of his numb hand.

"Halstead?" He felt Antonio's hand on his back, and it stayed there. Maybe some time in the future he would remember to be grateful for it, but right now, he didn't feel this man got what he deserved.

"He got off easy," he said, disgust filling his voice. He heard Dawson agree with him. Heard Ruzek mumble an affirmative.

"But I'll sleep tonight."

He didn't know how she got there—how she got out of the hold of two officers. He guessed they let their guard down when they cleared the building. And to give her credit, Erin could be resourceful when she wanted something. However she got there, she was standing over the body, looking as numb as he felt, their faithful dog following her closely.

"Kiddo, you shouldn't be here."

"I needed to see. To make sure." He felt her approach, his stomach twisting almost painfully as she touched his shoulder. "Jay, you're hurt. Hank call for another ambulance. He needs an EMT."

"Just a cut," he heard himself mumble, but the trail of blood behind him as she led him out left no room for argument. "He's dead."

"I know."

"I killed him."

"You did what you had to do," she murmured, her forehead pressing against his. Her hands, and her words, and her skin against him was the comfort he needed, yet he didn't think he deserved.

Despite that her hand wormed its way into his and stayed there all the while the EMT's were checking and dressing his wound.

* * *

"We've gotta stop meeting like this. Whatever happened to a brotherly beer every now and then?" Will asked, showing Jay to sit on the bed. He was followed by a very impatient Erin, and the only reason Freckles stayed outside, was because hospital policy didn't allow him inside (though Erin did make a very good case for him, reminding them they once let a panda into the hospital). The truth was, Jay didn't even want to come in, but Erin sure had her way of persuading him into doing things he didn't want to do, for the sake of her peace of mind.

"Lucky is what you are. Superficial cut. I'll put something on it, redress it, and then you'll be on your merry way."

"Thanks."

"Voight wants you to see someone about the shooting, before they clear you for field again. He asked me to remind you. It can be today, or some other day."

Jay nodded. "It's protocol."

"And to take three days off."

"I've just had months off, I think I'm good. And we gotta eat."

"Well if we're surviving the months, we'll survive three days. Besides it'll be paid, plus I'm going back to work tomorrow."

"Like hell you are!"

"The only reason I've let you put me on desk duty was because he was still out there and I know both of your worried brains would fry from overthinking if I was on the field. It was for your safety. Not mine."

"We're going back to work together. Tomorrow, or in three days. Your call."

She shook her head at him. He was being irrational, he knew that. But he felt victorious when she nodded, and pulled out her phone to call Voight. She stepped away so he couldn't hear everything they were saying, but if he tried, he could make some of it out.

"Yeah … I think it'll be the best … thanks … home … together … pick up our stuff. Three days … okay."

"He signed off on it. Do you want to go home tonight? Or stay another night?"

He thought of their bed, waiting for them, suddenly no longer representing danger, but refuge from all the bad things. "Home."

"Okay. We'll swing by Hank's to pick up our stuff, and then we'll go."

"How is the girl?"

"She's going to make it. She has some bone fractures, a lot of bruising on top of sexual assault, but she's out of the woods."

"That's good." It would have killed him if he didn't make it in time.

They slept in their own bed that night, but even when he pulled her against him to feel her steady breaths he felt further away than ever. And from the way she desperately snuggled closer in search of intimacy, he had a feeling, so did she.

* * *

It happened on the third day. The thing that's been coming for weeks, and she knew, because his fist hasn't stopped clenching every time she brought it up. He tried to hide it, but she's been his partner for over four years, and lived with him for over two. She knew his evasive tactics when he wasn't dealing with something properly.

They both leaned down to pick up the pieces of the plate that slipped through his absent-minded hands. Her hair brushed softly against him, as she asked if he was okay.

"I'm fine," he replied.

"Right. Come on, Jay. I know for a fact that you are not 'fine'." She spat out the word as if it was toxic. She had a good feeling now, about how he must've felt when she kept pushing him away after Nadia's death, when all he wanted was to be there for her. "And it's really not fair," she complained, hating herself for pulling the fair card. She hated herself for the words coming out of her mouth with every fibre of her being, but if a push was what he needed, then a push he would get. "It's not fair that I have been the only one opening up, and you're just shutting me out. It's not fair, and it's not right. So, when my partner decides to pull his head out of his ass, tell him to call me."

"Erin," he tried to reason, but she shook her head, carefully picking up the rest of the pieces and storming to the trash. "We talk."

"We never talk about what you went through. And you can't deny you went through something when I was taken. And at some point, we're gonna have to talk about what happened and how you feel. Because it obviously found its way between us."

"What do you want me to say that you don't already know? That I failed you? That I keep failing you over and over again? That all the bullets from my gun buried in his chest are somehow not enough because he didn't come close to getting what he deserved? That I wanted to kill him with my bare hands for what he did to you?"

She tried to ignore the tears he's let fall, but she couldn't, so she hurried over and brushed her thumb across his cheek, while her other hand stroked back his hair in a comforting caress, keeping it there.

"Nothing I did when you were missing was good enough. I was doing everything. More even. And it wasn't enough, and I failed you with every second."

She slid down to the floor, joining him on his knees whispering his name, as the self-blame he had been suppressing for weeks continued to find its way onto the surface. "I would've done anything to get you back. I did things…"

"Did you really think I would love you less because of what you did? I am here, alive, because of you. I wasn't raped, or killed because you found me in time. And you've been here ever since, giving me what I need to get past this."

"I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'll never forgive myself for leaving you that morning. If I hadn't gone out for that run…"

Listen to me, Jay. None of this was your fault, okay? The only person responsible for it was McKinley. You had no control over what went down. You and I both know that the road of "what-ifs" leads nowhere. And if my forgiveness is what you're after, forget it. Because I could never blame you for anything."

She thought for a second, wanting to come up with words, any words that would absolve him of his guilt, because if there was one thing she couldn't handle, it was seeing him like this—tortured by something she knew he had no control over.

"I tortured people," he admitted. There it was, she thought. The ultimate guilt.

"I'm sorry you had to do that." And she was sorry—sorry to have been the reason for him to have crossed that line. She laid her head on his shoulder. It was a calculated move, so he would feel her close, feel her warm breath on his neck. "You did nothing I wouldn't do if I were in your shoes," she promised. She felt for him. Deeply. For the things, he had to do. For the things, he now had to live with. But she also knew she would have done the same, if not worse.

"I love you. I love the way you love me. What you're willing to do for me only makes me love you more, if that's even possible." She put her hands on his face, forcing him to look at her. "There's no blame, Jay. It was not your fault. It was _not_ your fault." She would repeat it over and over and over if that's what it took for him to be able to live with it. How many times necessary.

And then she was hugging him, and he was pulling her so tight to his chest her breath caught in her throat and he was murmuring a thousand _sorrys_ into her neck. They just sat there for god knows how long, wrapped up in each other, offering comfort in the form of murmurs of affection and tears and soft kisses.

* * *

"Do you have to?" He was standing in front of the mirror, spreading shave cream across his beard. She was hovering in the doorway watching him.

"Yeah, it's gotta go."

She remembered some pretty enjoyable sensations offered by his stubble tickling the soft skin between her thighs. "It grew on me," she mentioned, "and what it did."

He smirked in reply, causing him to cut skin. A few drops of blood trickled down his face. "Ouch." His boyish smile grew wider.

"Cockiness can kill you, you know? Give me that," she muttered, taking the razor out of his hand. "Sit."

"Bossy," he commented, but sat down on the closed toilet seat. Erin stepped in between his legs, dragging the razor across his face gently, careful not to cut more. When she was done, she wiped the remains of cream away with a towel, smiling down at him. Her lips pressed against the freshly smooth skin, as if to test how well she did the job.

He pulled her down in his lap, nuzzling into her neck. "Thanks," he murmured softly.

"Can't risk you destroying that handsome face."

"You think I'm handsome," he said cheekily, grinning.

"Most of the time."

Their foreheads pressed together and she took the time to breath in his presence. He studied her face for a second. "We're gonna be okay, right?" She asked, the question as sudden as a storm on an overheated summer day. "You and I?"

"Yeah," he replied, his answer just as sudden. She wondered if he believed it. Because sometimes she believed it with a force that could set the world on fire. It was the one thing she had faith in.

"It's the one thing I'm sure of." Even though his words directly reflected her thoughts, it wasn't the words that gave her the reassurance she needed. It was the absolute confidence in his voice.

And Erin knew that as long as they were okay, she could face anything.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Last chapter guys! I want to thank everyone who read and supported me in a way of reviews and likes. I love you all!**

 **I hope you like this last chapter, and I'd just like to mention that soon I'm starting a new multi-chapter, so keep posted if you're interested in more Linstead.**

* * *

 **A year later**

"You alright?" She heard the tone in his voice and recognized it as laced with concern. In that moment, she felt relief for being able to truthfully and honestly give him the reply he wanted to hear.

"Solid," she teased, nudging his shoulder playfully. He grinned back. It took time, and endless hours of therapy. It took crying and fighting and being stupidly overprotective for weeks after, until they managed to put it behind them, so that now when they were standing over a dead body of a serial killer, it didn't stir up old demons.

Because for once in their lives, maybe for the first time, the demons have been dealt with (extensively) by both of them. It didn't mean Erin didn't wake up with nightmares for months after they saved her, or that Jay didn't still flinch or clench his fists with anger for not being able to protect her. But it was something they both accepted and learned to live with. The subtle reminders were still there—the wounds that never show up, and never bleed, and never scar, but are deeper and hurt more than any real wound ever does.

But when they talked about their feelings, when they gave their demons names, the became less overwhelming, less scary. And in sharing those demons with each other, they both felt less alone, and more equipped for dealing with them.

When you survive a trauma, it never truly leaves you. She remembered reading that somewhere. But Erin also remembered something Olivia once said to her when she visited after. Erin had strong suspicions that Hank put her up to it, since she was well-equipped for dealing with such things, and was also a person Erin trusted. Whatever prompted her visit, it was more than useful.

 _You survived the abuse. You will survive the recovery._

It was something, Liv said, she often told the victims of sexual abuse. But it really was something that spoke to Erin as well. She survived three long weeks of hell. Torture—physical and mental. She survived the hardest weeks that came after, when his voice never left her head. When she could hear and feel him. She would survive the easy part.

She also found solace in seeing all the brave women who survived the abuse as well—including Lieutenant Benson, who went through her own similar experience.

In the end, she did survive. She survived the weeks after McKinley's death, when they came after Jay, questioning the use of deadly force in McKinley's case. She stood by him, along with the rest of the unit, as he gave testimony and his voice shook, because taking a life is never easy, and she knew him well enough to know he wouldn't have done it, unless he felt threatened. She held his hand when he had to relive the horrible moments, so that the prosecutors could have their witch trial, and when she got called as a witness, she told them with brutal honesty what had happened. When Jay was acquitted of all charges, they sat in the car for two hours, just breathing each other in, unsure whether to feel lucky or angry.

Something that nobody told her after it happened, was that surviving the recovery was not a one-time thing. You chose to survive day after day. She was just lucky to have a very good reason to keep surviving.

* * *

"This is my favourite part of the day," she confessed, and when her hot breath tickled his neck he felt inclined to agree. The three of them were stacked onto the couch, Erin resting comfortably against his chest, while the sleeping dog was getting heavier every second on the top of his feet.

"Move," he groaned at the dog, who just groaned back in his sleep. He felt Erin start to rise. "Not you, babe. Freckles weighs a ton at least."

She chuckled under him, pulling him in with her. It soon became obvious that though Erin was initially the one to love the eighty-pound ball of fur, it was Jay the dog had special connection to. Perhaps because she named him after the cute freckles on Jay's arms, she thought, or most likely because he bribed him with food more often than not.

She nudged Freckles gently with her foot, and he opened his eyes, staring at her with an accusing expression, then resentfully jumped off the couch and settled on his pillow in the corner (where nobody would be nudging him).

"Thanks," he murmured, leaning over to kiss her. "I don't think I can feel my legs."

"Oh, you're not gonna need them," she teased, turning around to straddle him. She pushed her hair behind her ear and leaned down until their lips were touching again.

She soon found out he could feel all parts of his body just fine.

* * *

It was early. The absence of morning traffic through the windows and the small light peeking through the blinds was the proof of just how early. She stirred in the bed, reaching for him, but instead what she found was a cold emptiness where his body laid just hours ago.

"I think I'm going for a run," he murmured when he saw she had opened her eyes to search for him. "Come with me?"

She buried her head into the pillow with a groan. Jay was a man of habits, and his morning runs weren't something he could give up, even if he wanted to. She joined him more than once lately, because she knew what would happen if she didn't.

The first time, she didn't pay much attention to it, because he distracted her with tender kisses down her collarbone, and soon she couldn't even remember her own name. A slight blush crept onto her cheeks when she remembered how he made love to her that morning, while the early sun shone through the blinds and the screams of his name echoed in the silence.

But a pattern was too obvious to miss. If she didn't go for a run with him, he'd shrug it off, instead coming back to bed. Always. Not that she was complaining. She just knew where it stemmed from.

But she was tired, and her limbs were heavy. They came home last night after a week-long case, which had dragged on forever. They had all stayed overtime, and in the end, nothing helped. All they found was a body after body. Cuffing the ruthless man who pulled the trigger didn't bring half the satisfaction it should have to any of them. Hank had even said they could all come in late the next day, so Erin really didn't feel like trading her option of sleeping in for a morning sweat in the cold spring morning.

So, she shook her head, giving him a sleepy grin, before burying her head back into the soft pillow and dramatically throwing her leg over the comforter.

The weight in the bed she was expecting never came, and when she re-opened her eyes she saw Jay was tying his running shoes. A smile escaped her lips, watching his muscles strain when he moved softly around the room in order not to wake her.

Then he came to the bed anyway, pressing a gentle kiss against her lips. "There is coffee in the kitchen." She grinned at the words. It was her favourite ' _I love you'._

"You're so hot," she murmured, her voice still laced with sleep and a bit of lust, because in her sleepy state she was even more vulnerable to the effect he had on her, than normally. He just smiled in reply, stealing one more kiss before leaving her to catch the last minutes of sleep that she could.

And just like that, the last constant reminder of what happened went with him, and she knew they were finally okay. It felt like he gave her back a piece of her independence that she didn't know he was keeping safe for her. She knew he didn't take it on purpose, but they've both been rather clingy of each other for months even after McKinley's death.

And she knew just how to make it up to him.

* * *

"We haven't seen you in a while," the barista mentioned, while he passed her the two paper cups of coffee to go, along with a paper bag.

"Been busy," she made an excuse, though truthfully, it was the one thing she hadn't been able to do ever since that day. The habit she hadn't yet reclaimed. It was time.

She didn't think that the teenage boy that used to flirt with her every second week when she'd pick up the muffin, would remember her at all, but the grave expression in his eyes told her that he did, and that he knew exactly why she hasn't been around in almost a year.

Her suspicion was confirmed when she reached into her wallet for money and he shook his head. "On the house." It almost brought tears to her eyes—a small kindness in a cruel world that reminded her that everyday people impact other people in ways they don't even realize.

"Thank you."

"I'll see you in two weeks." She nodded, and left the place feeling lighter than she had when she walked in.

* * *

"Happy Wednesday," she said, grinning as she set down the paper bag onto his desk later that morning. The coffee followed and she saw his eyes widen with surprise.

"A muffin?" He asked, his voice full of hope.

"Blueberry Vanilla."

"What brought this on?" He asked, curious why after a year, she reclaimed a ritual they stopped with, because it was too painful to remember.

"You went for a run this morning," she explained, and it finally clicked to him. He did it without thinking, and for once, Erin being taken because he stayed home that morning, did _not_ cross his mind at all. Things were back to normal again, and though the memories would always be there, and the faded reminders could still be found in different forms, they had found a way to fully move on.

"We should do something to celebrate. Go somewhere."

"I'll bully Hank into giving us the weekend off," she suggested. "We could go to the cabin."

The corners of his lips turned up as he flashed his pearly whites at her. It made him so ridiculously happy that she grew to love the cabin as much as he did. It was their escape from reality. It was a place where they could heal and refill, and when things were rough, they found themselves craving a visit.

But this time, it wasn't to heal, or to escape. All Erin wanted was a weekend away, with cell-phone turned off, with all the time in the world to make love to her wonderful boyfriend.

Hank took some persuading, but gruffly let them take the weekend if they could manage to get their paperwork into order before they left. They both grinned at that, knowing that even if they had to stay until the very morning, the paperwork would be on his desk on Friday, so they could pack up their stuff, load Freckles into their car and head up North.

* * *

"It's exactly a year today," she told him, not really intending to start the topic again, but it just flew out of her mind.

"I know."

"We made it." She leaned back against him, admiring the nature blossoming. The air was still a bit fresh, so she had put on a fluffy pastel sweater and combined it with leggings so she'd be comfortable.

"We sure did." He nuzzled his nose into her neck, pressing a soft kiss onto the soft skin, causing her to shiver. He misread it, taking off his hoodie without a thought and hanging it around her shoulders. Despite not being that cold, Erin hummed with content when his smell enveloped her and she slipped her hands into the pockets to warm them.

"Jay?" She said, after a sharp intake of breath. "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?"

He looked at her, confused, and then after a second it clicked and he cursed under his breath. "Shit."

She grinned, turning back to face him. The velvet box she held in her hand was exactly what she thought it was when she felt the familiar material under her fingers.

"This is not how I was going to do this," he told her.

"When have we ever done the things the normal way?" They both chuckled in agreement. "Ask me," she whispered, shaking with anticipation. She was never a big fan of marriage, not really having a good example until she was late in her teens, but after what she went through with Jay in the past year, she knew neither of them was going anywhere. And she found herself anticipating his question with happiness, instead of nerves, and she found herself loving the idea of him waiting for her at the altar, so they could promise to love each other forever.

"Last year when we were here, I made love to you right here in the grass. I remember looking at you, thinking I never knew it was possible to love someone so much. But every day I love you more. I decided then, that I would ask you right here. Marry me, Erin. Marry me so I can spend the rest of my life showing you exactly how much I love you. Marry me, because there is nothing in the world that we can't face if we're together." _Marry me, because at this point it will be just a formality to confirm something I had already promised you._

She was never a person who loved commitments. She committed herself to exactly four things in her life.

The first one was to Hank and his family when she came to live with them. She had been too young, too ruined to understand what it meant when a girl that was scared to be loved promised a man who was trying to love her that she wouldn't fail him. But she stuck by it, and the initial gratitude grew into respect, which then grew into a love so deep, nobody could diminish it.

The second one was to the job, when she took an oath to protect and to serve. And with the exception of almost walking away one time, she upheld her promise every day since she graduated the Academy.

The third one was to Nadia. A promise she felt she broke, when she stared at Nadia's body in a shallow grave. She had failed her. Or so she believed for too long after. It took too long to understand that the last memory she had of her, alive, happy and healthy, was the evidence of her not breaking that promise. She did help her. She saved her in the only way that mattered.

The fourth promise she made was to Jay, and it was a long time ago. Before she asked him to move in with her. Before she told him she loved him. A promise to always love him, and be there for him. A promise to never leave him again, and to always have his back.

So there were no doubts in her mind. She needed no time to think, or process that the answer to that question entailed. A tear made its slow descent down her cheek. "Yes."

"Yes?"

"What did you think I was gonna say?" She asked between tears, and he let out a mixture of a sob and a chuckle, as he slid his mother's ring onto her finger. It was a perfect fit. Just like she was a perfect fit for him. "I love you," she murmured, "I love you in a forever way."

The cynical girl that grew up on the street, who didn't believe love existed until she was seventeen; the cynical girl that laughed at the idea of marriage, even when Hank told her that one day she'd meet someone who would destroy the cynic in her and make her believe in love again, grew into a woman who couldn't wait to walk down the aisle and promise to always love him.

After all, she thought as she pressed her forehead against his, admiring the flashing of the diamond in the evening sun, she had decided long ago, that with Jay, she would settle for nothing short of forever.


End file.
